Breathe .: 1.16.11 :.

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I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.

He touched my fingers, 
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
Excessively.
Almost, violently.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."

I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.

I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.

I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.

Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."

He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.

He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.

"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.

I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.

He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.

Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.

The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.

He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.

My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."

That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.

I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.

The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.

Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.

"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."

I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.

He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."

Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."

Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."

He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."

My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."

Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."

My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.

He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.

For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.

"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.

"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.

"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."

My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.

"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."

The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.

An apology letter for the both of us.

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There’s a fire inside of her. 

She is beautiful, 

Volatile, 

Unpredictable, 

Soft and hard, and soft again. 

 

You taught her how to feel 

She taught you how to love.

 

You’ll always be there with her, 

Standing in the shadows to keep her safe, 

Laughing with her in the light, 

Watching through her eyes, 

All those who dare to get close. 

 

You’ll always be there and, 

She will always be fine.

 

Im not blinded to realities,

She’s yours, 

I wholeheartedly agree.

Yet around me 

She still couldn’t breathe.

 

With butterflies,

To the point of suffocation.

We laughed at our untamed bodies.

 

I’ll always be her drug.

There’s no escaping that.

There’s no escaping me.

 

I tried you know, 

To rid myself of her. 

So did she. 

It never got any easier; 

We just got better at trying.

 

We felt the novelty of our beginning 

Even at our very end.

Crazy, right?

 

I was addicted, 

So I became the demon in our fairytale.

Her kisses were my whiskey 

Her touch was my loaded gun.

 

I could rid myself of all my pieces, 

And yet she remained the one thing 

I could never budge.

 

There’s a first for everything. 

And she went through the lists,

Becoming, 

My last first.

 

Tonight,

I wanted to collapse into her 

And rest a while. 

Curl upon her lap 

As she kissed my hair.

Just for the day, 

I wanted us back. 

 

Life has been playing tricks on me lately

Serving me too much of its realities.

I decided not to take it seriously.

So tonight, I let go.

 

Tonight,

I let her touch me again.

 

For a minute 

We couldn’t breathe. 

 

I never knew how good it felt

Not to breathe.

 

We couldn’t tame it,

The urge, 

That animalistic hunger.

 

I sat farther away teasing her. 

A slow curl of smoke parted her lips,

She smiled at my audacity.

 

I craved her.

 

Later, 

We were lying in tangled sheets, 

Hazy with spent lusts, 

Underneath my shirt

She traced my navel with her finger,

“You’ll love me forever.” She whispered. 

“Forever and a day.” I softly admitted.

 

Through layers upon layers of clothes, 

She set fire to my insides 

Fucking my soul.

 

“I’ll consume you,” she whispered 

Brushing her lips against my neck,

The open door behind her let in a breeze as she walked out 

It washed through our senses waking us up,

“My tragedy 

Is that I’ll let you”                    I trembled in reply.

 

She left,

And my heart rate started going back to normal, 

The muscles on my face didn’t stretch half as much 

And the aftermath of her, 

Began to lull me.

 

I felt dirty.

I felt soiled.

I felt numb.

I felt broken.

 

She’d left holes where she brushed,

Her tongue burned where it licked.

 

I could still smell her every which way I turned. 

She was on my hair, 

On my bed, 

And on my pillows.

 

Stripping out of every fragment of fabric I had on

I couldn’t wait to get in the shower. 

 

As if scrubbing off the remainders of her 

Would somehow make me feel, 

Clean again.

 

Leaving, 

I had long ago caged myself, 

In miles of carted hell,

Vowing, 

To never again, 

Touch her.

  

Now, she has you, and you have her.

All I have left are my words.

 

You can have her.

You can have it.

You can have me.

For I am only half of myself without her.

 

Kindly take her

And take my words with you

Take all you can carry.

 

Leave me with nothing,

I beg you.

 

I won’t fight you.

Just promise me, 

You’ll keep her safe. 

 

For I am the poet 

And she is my poetry. 

 

She is my anchor in the turbulent sea. 

She is my air that gives me breath. 

 

I can vow to anything till kingdom come,

But she wasn’t ever mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything she wanted.

And then she became something I hated. 

 

We were a single thought in two minds

Our edges would make a sculpture weep in jealousy.

 

We are entwined for all life and death.

So you keep her safe, 

Until the day I come next.

 

A knight to remember.

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With his head upon her lap, she watched the warrior as he slept.
Feeling a little more daring than she did the previous nights,
She indulged herself and her little cravings as she ran her fingers through his dark hair,
She then traced an old scar on his face, brokenheartedly wondering where it came from.
Growing a little weary, she continued to watch, as he sank even deeper into his slumber, hoping that one day, he would invite her into his world, and along his battlefields, where she would be given a chance, to save him, like he rescued her.
 
The dark sky watched over them, she was warm that dark December night, with an added exciting breeze. Safely watching the world down there she envied the littleness of mortals’ worlds. Yet, she could honestly say, she never really craved to be like them. 

She sighed as the beautiful girl’s heart broke, knowing, it ached to rescue the man she didn’t know she had already saved.

 

Angry and frustrated by the blindness of mortals, she decided to give the beautiful girl a gift, a very special gift she saved for only the mad ones that had magic, feeling generous, she gave the girl, 
The gift of true sight.
Like a shooting star it happened in mere seconds,
The words appeared written on his skin like nothing she’s ever seen before.
She saw the truth that night.
His truth.
All of it.
The sky continued to watch, with obvious glee and self-assured arrogance, as the beautiful girl fought to understand the things her eyes saw.
 
As he slept, her warrior with the dark hair,
She saw the secrets he hid only from her.
In the creases near his eyes,
She saw that she was his harbour.
His lips told tales, of a beautiful girl he loved to taste,
She blushed, and wouldn’t dare look away, because what she saw next,
Was something she couldn’t begin to fathom,
For his safe haven, was in the smell of her embrace.
And around his deepest scars, she saw, the one thing that scared her the most.
With her sudden gift of sight, she saw that she,
Was all that remained
Of his strength.
In a sudden moment of true clarity, she saw beyond his flesh wounds.
Letting it all hit her, she let go of all her burdens, only for the chance to bear his own.
This warrior,
This man,
Was already so deep inside of her, buried underneath her skin.
Finding his way into her bones, she knew he has become a necessity.
An opiate addiction clawing his way at whatever was left of her sanity.
She consumed all of him.
She couldn’t fight back.
She couldn’t get enough of him.
She didn’t seem to want to.
Because,
Out of all their burnt bridges,
Her sleeping warrior, built her an ash throne.
He built her a castle, fit for a queen,
She no longer needed any walls of her own.
At least,
Never around him.
When her heart became too heavy to carry,
He gave her his own, never asking for anything in return.
She vowed, with the sky as her witness, on a warm but breezy december night.
That she would spend the rest of her existence,
Finding ways, to always protect him.
To constantly be his anchor.
So she weaved her words like spider silk.
Wrapping it around them.

With every word, the silk grew tighter.
Until finally, it grew so tight, she couldn’t breathe.

She never knew how good it felt,
Not to breathe.

He woke up to the sensation of her skin.
She looked into the eyes of the man she vowed to protect,
and said;
“The bright days are gone, dearest.
We, are for the dark.
You gave me all the words.
Yes, you gave me my last attempt at alive.

Although, this time i’ll do it different.
Yes, this time I’ll do it right.

Because this time,
I have you.
 
My warrior of the night.”
Breathless and desperate for her, he didn’t know what to say to his beautiful girl.
A million words struggled on his lips, a lifetime’s worth of words.
“I don’t know what you are.” Was all he managed to breathe into her embrace.

“I am whatever is meant by all this chaos rioting through you.” She said.

“You can hear how loud my veins scream, can’t you?” He asked.
“My darling, 
I heard even the whisper of your cells, 
As they turned from air to fire in my arms, in a single night.” 
He couldn’t believe his senses.
Wrapped in silk, inhaling nothing but      her.
How she made him lose his words, he would never know.
For here laid a warrior that conquered worlds,
That defeated armies and beheaded many a demon.
He laid in the arms of a girl,
A beautiful girl,
That became his one true conqueror.
He felt a breeze interrupt his thoughts as she attempted to stand, unwrapping the silk.
Taking her hand, he ached to be back in her skin.
“Sit.” He ordered,
Allowing himself to breathe only the air he found, around her neck.
She felt his eyes trace her skin and she blushed.
Suddenly exhausted by the revelations of a single night,
Staying awake seemed too difficult for the girl.
Nevertheless, she obliged.
Sitting back down, she asked, “Will we sleep?”
“Sleep? 
 
Angel,     No. 
 
Find delirium? 
Yes, we most certainly will.”
He sealed his promise with a kiss,
The tormenting kind of kiss.
Writing vows with his tongue,
He told the girl he was hers.
He confessed, he was owned.

Looking down at both the warrior and the girl who brought him to his knees, even the sky gave them a silent applause. 

As she gifted them calmness, on the night she knew they wouldn’t soon forget, she then called for the stars asking them to watch over the girl and her warrior, for they are magic she said.

 

Taking a stroll across mortal lands, she went to deliver more of her gifts.

 


My poet.

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You paint me a story with words, 

Poet You have me 
In places and times 
Of your choice.
All I ever did in return,
Was, 
To build you, 
A kingdom 
From clouds & fairy lights. 
 
But your face of utter wonderment, 
Meant the absolute world 
To me, 
And I came undone.
 
You rescued me 
The day you met me.
And you’ve been saving me 
Everyday since.
 
Tempt me not with play , poet.
Don’t be coy and dare to tease
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,  
In ways 
Not even your books could describe.
 
 
I can’t tell you things that have no words 
And yet those wretched little things 
Drive me insane 
Uncurling in my heart 
Making me breathless 
With the many things I can’t say. 
 
After a single kiss I knew 
I’d spend my life trying to 
Fit the right words around you.
 
You, almost escaped description. 
And then I found a way 
To tell it all in tales
Without the limitations
 
Of words.
 
In a room, 
Too small, 
Where we both belong. 
Making the kind of memories 
Worth writing songs about.
 
Telling each other stories 
Over smoke, 
Candy 
And some kind of liquor. 
 
I found it.
 
I found you.

 

smoking the stars (My Guru)

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In the distance she heard a cry, it masked its own contradicting whisper.

She ran to where the matches lay.

Picking them up, she came.

With her match, she lit me up like a cigarette, allowing me to burden her with my toxic smoke.

Like a superhero, she comes right when she’s needed, fixing everything, never allowing herself to be fixed in return.

She bore my scars like she knew where they came from.

She was my bullet in a gun, she was my aim when I had non, the ground was shaky underneath, but she held it still.

Yea,

I’m thinking, getting her back was one of my greatest wins.

We lay entwined, listening to the dawn’s chorus.

When she’s with me, this reality is surreal.

She stroked my fingers and smiled.

That smile.

The one that told me everything her words couldn’t.

I could wait forever in her smile.

“Look up.” She whispered.

I did.

I looked up.

Her soul had written us in the stars. It happened long before this old world was born. We happened long before this old world ruined us.

And I couldn’t breathe.

She turned and said, “Are you alright?”

I must be fine, because my heart’s still beating.

I had no unspoken words to covert or hide from her anymore, I had no mask, no sad eyes smile she didn’t seem to see.

Us being here was never an accident, she had all of me through and through.

“I spilled my secrets to the moon, and she gave me you.” I told her.

Breathless I smiled at the moon, but she too couldn’t speak in happiness.

Because, looking up that night, every star in the universe became my story.

She would wait a lifetime for me, at least that’s what the dark told me.

And I knew that as much as I knew, I had already waited through all of my lifetimes for her.

Once upon a reality, my grip came loose and I let her slip away.

Once upon a dream we wandered hand in hand, slipping back into each other’s souls making peace with our mistakes.

For a thousand hours, would she silently read our story to me. Using the sky for the words she couldn’t say.

Until her throat could fight no more and she would grow as silent as the night.

The rumble of her voice, would coax me to sleep.

To dream again, finding a peace I seek in me, in dreams I had, full of thoughts of her.

So I slept, teasing her with silent breaths.

I slept; reminding her our best was yet to come.

And she,

She had no choice but to wait, awake.

I know I said it once before but it bears repeating, I think getting her back was one of my life’s greatest wins.

Parking lot.

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maybe i should mention

that i went to our place yesterday

i sat on our burgundy rug

i stared at a place set for two

and i had a picnic.

somehow it seemed a little less strange with you there.

somehow people stared less at the odd couple breaking bread in a parking lot.

 

i heard your voice

 

felt the touch of your breath on my forehead

i shivered

you were telling me i live in my head too much

that i now believe illusions to be real

wont you stop saying that please?

how can it be

that the familiar texture, warmth, smell, or feel

of your breath near my skin

be a form of illusion my mind created?

 pretending to smile like you did.

i couldn’t have imagined that, could i?

i saw you muster lies told to exquisite pain

although, this time i think i noticed how your eyes swayed

you know, Like they do when you’re keeping a secret?

Why would you do that?

and then for a second

i think

i needed to look away.

because this time,

i saw it.

i saw how you denied me those extra moments of grief

i saw myself believe you were getting better

i saw hope creep its way into my fragile shell

 

god.

 

no.

please believe me when i say;

i thought i saved you, when i got on my knees and prayed for your life in exchange for mine

i thought i saved you, when i climbed into that frail bed and held you in my arms

i thought i saved you, when i named your body home and tide its existence to mine

i thought i saved you, when i kissed you that last time

and felt you taking your last breath, from mine.

i thought if i kept kissing you

kept giving you the air in my lungs

and if i happened to find a way to breathe for you,

in a kiss so deep our bodies wouldn’t know who was breathing for who

i thought

that i would deceive time

that i would convince it to pass us by

to come another day

in another era

to take my life away

not yours.

i, the undeserving fool of an immortal being

i, the unbelieving pessimist

i, the very darkest of souls.

the place even daemons fear to tread hides within my creases.

i am the beginning and end of every story.

and you;

as sweet as the ripest apple on a tree

as i kissed you, you were taken

as I kissed you, you were kidnapped

as i kissed you, you were stolen,

from me.

please forgive me

It seems, i lied when i said i’d save you

i couldn’t save you.

and now you’re somewhere I’m not

and I’m everywhere I cant be.

 left with too much time and no will to live it

so i stay here in this parking lot

i eat the sandwiches we ate

i tell the jokes we told

i sing the songs we sang

and  i wait,

i wait for that blue car

parked still 17 inches away

to move again.

only this time

sending me to wherever you are

eating the sandwiches we ate

telling the jokes we told

and singing the songs we sang

giving me a chance to save you

in another lifetime

like you saved me in mine.

and maybe the time i was wrongfully given

would go to a soul more deserving than i

because i can no longer be here

dying among the living

waiting for my chance

to get to kiss you one more lasting last time.

a simple irrational story.

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I want to tell you a story
Of the day
I wrote you into my existence,
I want to watch your face as I recite words of true beauty
A collaboration of sentences, that can only be described as you,
Magnificently,
Breathtakingly
You.
My descriptions will somehow always come short,
My words, will never be enough,
Just try this with me.
Shut your eyes,
I promise you’ll see more clearly if you do.
Because maybe when I tell you,
How you added something interesting to who I was,
Who I am..
How you made me believable,
How you turned me into the truth,
How you gave me something to fight for,
How for the first time,
I stayed ..
Maybe if you knew,
How with these humble words,
I let go of all my aches,
so you’d burden me with your own.
I’ll consume the sun and moon just to glow for you
Just to be on my way to mending your broken shell,
To making you whole again.
Just listen to our story,
Maybe you’ll see as clear as me,
It began with a request met halfway,
And just like that, I wrote you into my existence.
Placed you where you fit,
Along the folds of my body,
Right at the palm of my hand,
Grasping you to the infinite phenomenon that is us.
Tide to my existence you’ll stay. For as long as I breathe,
I exist.
And as long as I exist,
I am yours.

stickers

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When you ate fruit in my bed you took off the stickers and placed them on my wall next to you. I never touched them. Someone picked them off from the paint today. I had just been in a car accident and screamed at them in a panic to stop. They said the stickers could peel the paint, off of the wall, that it looked tacky, and continued scraping. My head hurts from the impact; did I mention it was a hit and run? All too similar, you asked if I was all right and then you left in such a hurry, I never even had a chance to breathe.

I wrote once that getting to know you was like finding the pieces of myself I lost, what was it about you that was so familiar? It felt less like I was getting to know you and more like I was remembering who you are, maybe its just the migraine but I still see now how every smile, every hand movement and every whisper only brought me to the conclusion that I have known you before, that I have loved you before, in another time, a different place, maybe some other existence. I was grateful that you understood me, the way my mind worked. It was just too easy being with you, like it was walking down the street today, knowing that you’ll fill in the gaps when I couldn’t explain something, not even to myself, you spoke to my mind and my heart reacted, kind of like a collision of separate worlds, you were my best best friend, the soul mate people took time to write poetry about, and I had that, for a second I had that, for one second, I no longer had anything to wish for. You gave me everything I ever wanted, I hate that you did that, but you did. The apartment was filled with you and I couldn’t seem to think of a single thing I craved then, I seemingly had it all, except I wanted more, I don’t want everyone else to be you, I just want you in my life, I wanted to be loved by you long before I ever knew a you existed among these Adams and Eves. This might seem out of the blue, but you never know when a hit a run can get you, my body’s bruised and I cant help but think for a second it hit me and my head started to spin and my body temperature ran high and I felt like a million roller coasters ran through me, but for a second, right before you put each sticker on my wall, you were the family I never had, you were everything that I am, only now I get to write a love story the way it was meant to be written, a tragedy. As I lay on your side of what used to be my safety, I think, maybe, I don’t like hit and runs so much.

5 minutes.

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They were in the car
He played a song, 
You know .. 
That song.
She stared at him, 
You know, 
That stare?
He took her left hand and he kissed it soft
She closed her eyes. 
She wanted to know nothing but his lips on her flesh.
He whispered so the ghosts wont hear
“what if i loved you?”
And she kissed him.
It was the kind of kiss she could never tell her friends about out loud.
It was the kind of kiss that made him know, that he was never so happy in his whole life
It was the kind of kiss that you never get to relive. 
The kind of kiss that felt, final and calm.
It seemed like years went by when the kiss ended 
He started driving again
Without saying a word.
Her head started going wild again
Because you see,
Every now and then, 
Things would start moving around her
Sounds would be bass heavy and hollow within her walls
Every now and then the patterns she created to help her understand things would dissolve
And she seemed unable to put a single thought together.
She asked him to pull to the side of the road
She opened the door and got out
The wind turned her dress into ocean waves.
The music was so loud and the sound of their voices got scooped up into a vacuum and it was replaced by the song still playing
Yea,
That song.
In her eyes 
In that infinite moment 
Was everything that made him wonder.
And then she started laughing 
And he started laughing
And he got out of the car
And she met him halfway on the road
“are we done? can i love you now?”
She didn’t kiss him this time.
She kept walking and got into the drivers seat
He got in right next to her
Letting her feel all she’s feeling the way she wanted to feel it
I think
Maybe
That was the best part
She rolled down the windows
The air ran in as the song ended
And in her tummy she felt sore for all the right reasons 
And in her heart she felt warm for all the right reasons 
And in her mind she felt like running, for all the wrong reasons
She felt all she felt
In 5 minutes.
That was when she turned and she saw him.
Really saw him. 
“five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, right now, in this car, with you, and in 5 minutes i loved you, i  kissed you, i hated you, i thought i left you, and you, you loved me enough to not let me. in 5 minutes, we were young in a good way. And for 5 minutes we felt infinite. so i guess, maybe this time, i let you love me, maybe this time i stay and bask in the warm glow of you, until next time, when the next 5 minutes decide to shift how i’m made again. until the next 5 minutes of our lives together”

i love you, but ..

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No one really knew how hard it was to hang onto the last threads of sanity, like you did when I first met you.

I don’t know how else to explain what happened to me, I was seduced by a nervous smile, and with an accidental brush of your hand I was hooked.

You seemed to understand, even my most unexplainable thoughts, like how I knew, that even you knew, I would forever wander within my own mind, lost deep at thought, never finding peace or serenity, even long after my last breath was drawn.

Getting to know you was like finding the parts of myself I lost in corners of this world, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain that they all missed. I held your heart in mine safe like its been there for quite a while, some other lifetime ago, I felt it part as it broke, I felt it crack like somehow it was shouting. Abandoning all pretences, crawling away from modesty, you hid beneath your wounds. It seemed the closer i got, and the more I touched, the clearer it became.  We were two angels wrapped in concrete. With our wounds being breathed back to life, they felt raw, they felt new.

My heartbeat stuttered under the sight of you, bared and disrobed, to me.
You were beautiful.
Shatteringlly so.
Your past, your scars, your fears, your troubled mind, your broken heart, your body, your present, your soul, your future. I wanted it all.
I really did.
And at some point my mind refused to be stilled and it seemed all I could think of, was to whisper loudly in silence:
 “Get your beautiful mouth over here” every chance I got.
And then we kissed.
A kiss so deep you didn’t know who was breathing for who.
So with everyday that passed, since then, I sat and I sighed and like always my mind meandered to you.Being around you felt natural, it made sense, it calmed me.
You tasted to me like the first seconds of love
Like, the last painstakingly long seconds of death.
I thought I’d fallen for your every gasp of breath.
I thought I was going insane. 
I thought nothing could ever make sense anymore.
I swear, attraction was too tame a word for .. That.
The craving for you, was so acute I knew you’d finally become a drug to my body. The prime source of some very intense highs I never seemed to have ever experienced before in all my lifetimes.The best part was that, I knew it wasn’t just me, I saw myself as I gave your demons sanctuary to breathe.
And I saw them basking in the glowing embers of our fires.I loved everything you hated about yourself, everything you tried to hide and every sadness you’ve ever pushed yourself to survive.

And now, If I could put a thousand seas between you and my demons, I would.

I would, Sweep you off this surface and go dancing among the fireflies, swaying halfway through our lives finding ways to take what we always wanted in the form of things we always feared.

You,

just look at the fireflies always,
and don’t ever forget you’re adored.
I wanted to give you memories, unblemished by the facts of reality.
I wanted to be there and everywhere and absolutely nowhere.God, I should have known better than to have wholeheartedly loved a person as psychotic as I was.There we were, wilfully destroying the very fabric of each other’s souls. A cold war with both sides capable of completely obliterating each other. Mutually assured destruction we called it. Bearing teeth, talking up combat, two soldiers sharing a shield. Ice warriors refusing to shed their armours, unravelling in our own pride, having it end the fairytale of that one time we loved. What could ever be more dangerous, than an ice warrior with nothing left to lose?

I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to stay. I couldn’t decide which way to go because of you. 

I love you, but I hate what you do to me.

I love you, but I hate how fragile I am when it comes to you.

I love you, but I hate how you hurt me.

I love you, but I can’t stand how you lied to me.

I love you, but I hate how you I still waited for you to earn me.

I love you, but I hate that you knew.

Now,

I love you, but I don’t ever want to have you.