the year is full of seasons

that one summer
that one time
i fought it back 
but you creeped your way through
i didn’t leave 
but not because i loved you
i waited for you to leave
i used you
you used me
but people use each other 
that doesn’t mean there aren’t good feelings that go along with it
we both know i’m more selfish than i pretend not to be
theres the path i take
and there’s the path un-taken
whichever i happen to choose 
was never my choice to begin with
you were writing me into a story 
i didn’t belong
it was written and i stayed
but those words
were sometime ago
long forgotten 
words read then unwritten 
words of memories still the same
words conceived but never born
in that long ago September night
we knew we’d have to leave soon
we never knew when 
or where to
so in October 
the lack of you 
created an overflow of a fantasy destruction
i blamed you
i blamed summer
i blamed the heat
but it was I that stayed
knowing full well you’ll never leave
you never tricked me
you weren’t a master deceiver 
you were you in every horrible way
you had pain
and i needed pain
yours seemed to distract me 
i found an escape
i basked in its numbness
as my mind stayed quiet
and it was summer again
at least when in your presence
and there was heat
when all i wanted was the drizzle of rain
you started a chain of destruction 
its fading away with time
but the memories remain
i still punish you for my mistakes 
i cant seem to help it
you reach out 
i run
out of grasp 
you try harder 
i come closer
reach for a closed hand
just a tease 
holding on to some (thing/one) else
i wont feel guilty for punishing you 
at least i’ll say i wont 
but it was summer and there was heat 
and it was beautiful 
and you’ll have to pay for this guilt.

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