maybe i should mention
that i went to our place yesterday
i sat on our burgundy rug
i stared at a place set for two
and i had a picnic.
somehow it seemed a little less strange with you there.
somehow people stared less at the odd couple breaking bread in a parking lot.
i heard your voice
felt the touch of your breath on my forehead
you were telling me i live in my head too much
that i now believe illusions to be real
won’t you stop saying that please?
how can it be
that the familiar texture, warmth, smell, or feel
of your breath near my skin
be a form of illusion my mind created?
pretending to smile like you did.
i couldn’t have imagined that, could i?
i saw you muster lies told to exquisite pain
although, this time i think i noticed how your eyes swayed
you know, Like they do when you’re keeping a secret?
Why would you do that?
and then for a second
i needed to look away.
because this time,
i saw it.
i saw how you denied me those extra moments of grief
i saw myself believe you were getting better
i saw hope creep its way into my fragile shell
please believe me when i say;
i thought i saved you, when i got on my knees and prayed for your life in exchange for mine
i thought i saved you, when i climbed into that frail bed and held you in my arms
i thought i saved you, when i named your body home and tide its existence to mine
i thought i saved you, when i kissed you that last time
and felt you taking your last breath, from mine.
i thought if i kept kissing you
kept giving you the air in my lungs
and if i happened to find a way to breathe for you,
in a kiss so deep our bodies wouldn’t know who was breathing for who
that i would deceive time
that i would convince it to pass us by
to come another day
in another era
to take my life away
i, the undeserving fool of an immortal being
i, the unbelieving pessimist
i, the very darkest of souls.
the place even daemons fear to tread hides within my creases.
i am the beginning and end of every story.
as sweet as the ripest apple on a tree
as i kissed you, you were taken
as I kissed you, you were kidnapped
as i kissed you, you were stolen,
please forgive me
It seems, i lied when i said i’d save you
i couldn’t save you.
and now you’re somewhere I’m not
and I’m everywhere I cant be.
left with too much time and no will to live it
so i stay here in this parking lot
i eat the sandwiches we ate
i tell the jokes we told
i sing the songs we sang
and i wait,
i wait for that blue car
parked still 17 inches away
to move again.
only this time
sending me to wherever you are
eating the sandwiches we ate
telling the jokes we told
and singing the songs we sang
giving me a chance to save you
in another lifetime
like you saved me in mine.
and maybe the time i was wrongfully given
would go to a soul more deserving than i
because i can no longer be here
dying among the living
waiting for my chance
to get to kiss you one more lasting last time.