i dare you.

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Can you hear them 

in the distance

singing?

 

You like to think you’re a god
You are no a god.

A parasite.

Eating away 
At every jealousy 
Every piece of envy

Longing for the lives of strangers 
On them 

you feed

On the memories 

of love
loss
Birth 
Death
Joy
And sorrow. 

So, sweetest;

Go on then 

do your best 

feast on me

Take me
Take my memories 

my lives 

my souls

my demons

and my minds.

 

(You better hope you’ve got a big appetite.)

 

Because I have lived 
Oh how I have lived.

 
And I have seen. 

The things I have seen.

 

Treat yourself 

To the long preserved memory 

Of the day

I looked away

From the last great war, 
On the last passing of my very own soul.

I saw the birth of the universe 
And I watched
As time ran out 
Moment by moment
Until nothing remained 

Nothing

In all of time

But me.

I walked engraved in souls

Where the laws of humanity were devised, by 

The minds of madmen.

I watched as their hearts froze 
And memories burned

And souls erupted.

 
I have seen;

Oh how I have seen 

 

Many a deep yearning glow

Of red embers and sapphire 

In corners of every story

That told a tale

Once burning

Once had given light.

 

I have lost things 
You would never understand. 

And I know things
Secrets 
That must never be told.

 
Knowledge 
That must never be spoken.

 
Memories that would make parasite gods 

Blaze.

 
So come on then

Join the symphony, 

Dance on the graves of those who tried 

 

Challenge me 

And take it

 

Take it all
Have it

Have me
Bear it all. 

 

I dare you.

 

 

bowing out, to fate.

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the look on your face 
when your skin touched hers;
you used to look at me like that.
 
i’ve forgotten how much you loved me.
it seems, 
i’ve forgotten how much i loved, being her.
 
hear me as i plead,
listen to my howls,
outside your door
i beg of you.
 
if love is what you feel
my sweet,
don’t let me in.
 
open that door
my angel,
and i will.
 
i will crawl in.
 
no longer have i the strength 
to bow out bravely.
 
you open that door 
my love,
i will claw my way through her.
 
i’ll be kicking 
fighting 
screaming 
to the very end.
 
tell her
 
i can fix anything.
 
give me a war and i’ll fix it. 
 
but, tell her 
 
i could never seem to fix 
the fact that i,
am so breathlessly 
in love
with you.
 
kindly let her know;
I am giving her the days.
 
the days with you
the days to come  
the days i can’t have.
 
take them, please.
 
I am giving you, 
my days.
 
just you remember;
i will always be your fix.
 
i will , forever be 
your perfect fit.
 
with no more days, left 
to give
let me flare
and fade 
forever
from home.

when I looked at her.

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A snow flake, stuck on a lash, she cradled my face and blew. 
With it, floated, the thoughts I carried, buried, hidden, always visible. 
Her hands, a slight breeze of every fruit in every forest, reached the nape of my back clenching a fistful of hair. 
Memorising my every feature. Her eyes demanded my attention. 
I wouldn’t dare give in.
Look at me she whispered, so close to my ear, her breath, so warm, too warm, my blood raged, my heart gave in.
My lids rested upon my sight, so scarred, so terrified. 
I wouldn’t look her in the eye. 
Because if i did, she would see, all of me, and I loved her too much to turn her into a masochist.
I fear the touch that unravels me, I fear the home I found buried in every inhale I took around her. I fear the skin, a touch a way, too far to kiss. I fear her hands, on my throat, wrecking me. I fear the shiver in my veins. I fear the kiss, she blew, on lips, so hungry to have finally breathed. 
With my eyes still shut, I saw her, ripping away, my every veil. 
Her hands slid and fled. Waiting for mine, to bring them home.
I was undone, broken into particles of her, as she wore me like a ring.
Her tongue, painted pictures of black and blue, as it roamed every inch of myself I ever knew. 
There and then, my body, became her canvas. An armed field she took pleasure in disarming. I tried, to hide the scars, but in truth, much of my flesh, told a story of a survived encounter. 
She drew, with that tongue a sketch of my every wound. 
Inhaling my every sense, she took even the memories away.
In a moment that seemed to pause every aspect of space and time, I was sculpted, I was created.
We made art, that night, with my eyes shut. 

She brought to life a masterpiece, unravelling, in me, everything she ever dared to fear.

my ending.

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theres another world beyond these doors. soft lights and warm sounds. her soft voice sways like a symphony, making me dream of sunshine. i can see her through every crack. my hands tingle, they are tempted towards the noise of magic and away from this noise within my many minds. 

my tears fall like drizzling rain drops in hope of washing away the grime of life. 
i want to go through these doors, i want to be next to her i want to hear her music up close. 
instead i am confined to this room, reaching a state of irregular numbness, i close my eyes and let the darkness feel me.
 
she has no idea how dangerous she makes the people to themselves when she’s around. sometimes, i’d trade reality, for her. an alternate universe, imagined, but in it, becoming, something better than myself.
i know i shouldn’t be putting myself through this, i know this torture won’t ever have and end game, but how can i help it if her existence embodies what i was, what i am, and now the very part of me that made me feel worth something isn’t there anymore.

 
i woke up the next day at dawn, there was something strange about the sky, when the sun scrambled from its ashes, i didn’t remember much of last night, a mixture of smells invaded my space within seconds of my consciousness, charred wood, soaked skin and burnt cigarets, the room lay torn around me, somehow i couldn’t figure out which tornado took place here.
 
i looked for her in the ruins of this storm, and with every corner turned, a mangled semblance of our lives together, scattered across this apartment in the shape of an endless summer.
 
i never question this empty vacuum of space when the sun is awakened and beaming, but dawn seems to have an affect on every strung out mind within my brain, its times like these that i notice how i live like I’m waiting for something to save me. everything i own, everything i am, nothing but a religious residue, from a life left behind. 
i live in limbo, stuck in a labyrinth, running in circles in search of her. with my nights being spent in distraction, and my mornings dedicated to figuring out what exactly happened, this feeling will get deeper, it will sink farther than any soul i once had, the time seems longer and the days all look the same, colored in the darkest shade of grey, do i dare dream of my own fictitious ending? do i dare stumble upon thoughts forever hidden?
 
i could have been safe without her. her sharp knives scraping my life away, clumsily shaping my realities into something unrecognisable. shredded and dissolved, a life together apart was always inevitable. 
I’m still waiting for her to put the knife down, to let me go, so i can remember how to smile again, the kind of smile that doesn’t involve her. my mind is preserved inside her world, ageing strangely as if she wants me to live forever, to never understand why i can’t. in her world everything is possible, thats what makes her dangerous. the very reason my end seems, as anything and everything that involves her, inevitable. 
 
and maybe that is my reality a fictitious end.

a constant runaway’s remembrance

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I lit the fire, curled up with my book, lost in a hurricane of thought, there was still a monster in my house, and, in a fragment of time that had, perhaps, been snipped out of my reality, I was in love with the one that took me to the sea, and drowned me. From the moment I saw her, the prophecy became a reality, because that which takes the form of an angel becomes itself an angel. she was beautiful, she was magical, she was a nightmare within a dream. 
And the best part? Her eyes weren’t the windows to her soul, they were the doors into mine.
 
Her face, her words, and the sound of her every trigger, they were haunting me: standing behind me, present and yet invisible.
Our story, it wasn’t like any other.There had been betrayal in it, I knew, and loss, and time. The thought of having went through that made it all the more difficult to attempt any form of reality in my head; She was like a wound beneath an old bandage and I had grown more used to the bandage. She no longer served her purpose, and I never came to know what was mine.
 
The fireplace was almost dark now, with only the deep red glow of embers in the hearth to mark that it had once been burning, once had given light.
 
That was when i saw her coming, she walked like the last touch of a sunset, at the end of the world. 
Her hands, ever so delicate, formed a series of nightmares, tearing at a nightmare. 
I didn’t know how to begin reacting to her, how to conjure a single thought, I was lost and maybe found, I could never tell the difference.
We sat, the two of us, next to each other, and we could have been continents away.
She spoke, and as she struggled to continue, I seemed to hear nothing but silence, it was louder than words could have ever been. 
She said nothing. 
That was how I walked out, feeling liberated, but mostly, sad. 
Because, if i had stayed, It would have not killed me, it would have destroyed me. Dissolved me. I wouldn’t die, but if I stayed for too long, after a while only a little of me would exist, everywhere all spread out. 
And that’s not a good thing. 
Never enough of me all together in one place, there wouldn’t be anything left that would think of itself as any form of me i’ve ever known. 
No point of view any longer, because I’d be an infinite sequence of every view and point. I would exist through non existing, it would be like watching pieces of myself float across a meadow always there but never again, me. A mess of thoughts, unable to decipher between the person, I knew and the one colliding my minds together in war.
 
And so i left, I was happy, I was devastated, I was confused, and then the confusion was replaced by a smile, as if the world had just reconfigured itself into a form that finally, made sense. 
 
Decades later, when we meet again, in a sweet serendipitous moment, I won’t remember how badly I hurt her, or how harshly I tore at her, and most excruciatingly, how that last kiss felt.
Its sad that I won’t remember, but I guess its easier that way.
What happens to memories when they are forgotten? Where do they go after living in our heads? Shadows waiting to be called.
 
So we lay our past selves to sleep, burn them to ashes and scatter them at sea, we serenade the moments, the hours and the days, because, in that split second, as I liberate her of me, my heart will start to sing, of a ghost-memory, a phantom moment, a shaky reflection in the pool of remembrance.
I will know how it would have felt when I, the scavenger took her heart. 
How it felt when my hunger, tore into her chest and snatched out her pulsing core, still pumping, I devoured it to get at what was hidden inside.

I somehow know how that felt, as if it was truly a part of my life, of my death.
And then the memory snips, and rips, ever so neatly, and I, forget again how somehow, with her in my arms it was as if I seemed to hold mountains, babysit hurricanes and I lay demons to sleep, in the space of a single breath.

cold hotel room …

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1 he.
i walked out into the balcony and there she was, beautifully sulking in her own misery. she had on nothing but my over-sized T-shirt and a cigarette in her right hand. her finger nails were painted white, so lick-able like little lollipops. the beauty of her was that, she didn’t seem to mind the inconsistencies of her own fingers. her hair fell like a wave-pool onto her narrow shoulders, she had it swiped to the side like she does most of the time. her highlights were fading into a non-color color, and i could stare at her for hours. like that. surrounded by air like it could do nothing but magnify her marvel, smoking a cigarette straight to the bud staring into oblivion as if it holds all the answers. answers to why i seem to keep hurting her. she turned around and caught a glimpse of me, i started to back away and she ran to me. 
i held her.
i couldn’t breath, she held on to me like i was life. i sat on the chair and pulled her back to me. for a second she seemed confused, i didn’t know whether or not i was allowed to touch her. i held her hips and i kissed her belly, i hugged her as she stood and i was speechless. 
my need for her, my innate craving, rendered me speechless. 
i begged her with only flesh to come closer, and when she finally sat, on my knees and she crumbled, she fell on me like raindrops falling in a vast desert, fast, angry and with a thud. i curled her up even tighter to me and i watched her as she went along with it.
in my arms she was more fragile than that look she got, chasing oblivion. 
in my arms i felt her crawl underneath my skin. i felt her find her way into my flesh like somehow, it was home. 
i will forever be taunted by the feel of her under my fingertips. the sensation of her back on the palm of my hand as i rubbed circles into her spine. the euphoria of her hair on my neck and her smell mixing with the smoke emerging from her mouth. i can never forget the feeling in my gut the moment i absorb her sobs with that kiss. a kiss that will haunt me for as long as i live. in that moment, i released, i unveiled, i was shattered. no matter how invisible i was in my own mind, i was always visible to her. i could hurt her twice as hard as i could ever ache, i could kill her and it would be a massacre, as i perish away all her possible lives. 
in my arms on the balcony, in that cold hotel room, she loved me
i should be responsible for what that does to her. i no longer live as one. i am born again. in her. 
i could tell her how i meant no harm, or how its something i cant control. i could spin in so many twists that would only make sense in my own mind. 
and at the end of the day, this broken angel, sat on my lap, kissing my lips, holding my body … 
deserving or not, this broken angel was mine. and in that cold hotel room, i realized, it happened without my even noticing, it hit me like a storm, and i too, was hers.
2 she.
I dried my eyes and looked at him, i saw the man that would be my undoing. i saw unpredictability and sanity. i saw clarity in the midst of the fog. i ran to him, i caught a handful of his dark hair and i held on for dear life. I won’t deny my constant wondering of how or what, he feels for me. I also can’t deny, my fragility. Or even my inability to hear the answer.
Worried he might break i felt him reach for my body like a rose falls reaching, succumbing, darkening, in the presence of gravity. i let him  hold me and i let myself be held by HIM.
Sitting there, wrapped in him and my own flesh, in that cold hotel room, I found myself feeling more at home than I ever had. I cradled his face, I kissed his forehead, took another drag of my cigarette and i cried.
My lips brushed against his, in the most intimate sensation i would ever experience, barely touching, sharing the same air, breaking, into the ecstasy that is us.
With my thumb, i rubbed a tattoo on the corner that merged his right ear with his neck, the little hollow corner that i knew he could never resist. 
I didn’t know how to explain, or even find the words, to help me translate this kind of love, how it made my world possible, or that feeling home will no longer mean anything other than the smell of him, or how I found faith I thought I’d lost, somewhere in the spaces between his lashes.
Is it crazy that i now crave the pain i feel when around him? i crave the twists in my gut and the tears of pure and unadulterated hurt. i was addicted to his kind of pain and the sorrow it seemed to cause me. He wore sad so beautifully it became a trend.
Under the circles he was rubbing on my back i felt a hollowness being filled.
That was when I caught myself trying to tell him a story, i thought i could breath it into him, or kiss my way through the sentences. A story of  a girl, lost in translation, only to be found In her own sweet oblivion. Covered in solitude, and all the while knowing full well 
She was meant 
No, 
Born …
To fit
Only him. 
I was always meant to meet him. Meant to fall in love the way we did. Meant to feel the hurt we both caused, as perfectly as the glee we seemed to convey. Yes, i think maybe we were always meant to save each other.
He found me trying to carve out my own spot in the universe, only seconds before he introduced me to a spot already carved out and ready for me. Mine,  from the very moment it existed.
I wanted to say all that.
GOD
I wanted to kiss him, and decode my thoughts into breaths.
With all those years and words, struggling on my lips, all I managed to say was:
“You know, I’m so glad you’re my best friend.”

for (you), to try and answer your questions.

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– why do you still care?

– i don’t know, i just do and i cant seem to help it.
there’s an infinite amount of ways to fall in love, and i think i sailed through most of them, other people could make me feel just as much, but you, you intoxicated me.
now, 3 years later  i still feel it, and 10 years from now, i’ll still feel it brewing inside of me.
we might not be together, we might stop making sense, yet still, you’ll always have me, that’s the sad logic that is us.
i can’t tell you i love you anymore, because what i feel for you defies those words and every word created by man.
i can no longer find any use for that word after you, what more can it possibly mean to me?
i can be with millions, i can love a thousand of them and i’ll leave them all just the same, but you, you’re stuck in my mind and that’s a million miles deeper than those fools stuck in my heart, you run in my veins, like the blood i carry with me, just as red, just as beautiful and just as essential for my very existence.
so yea, i still care.
i’ll always care.

nothing.

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you hold me 
like i’m worth it.
tell me i’m beautiful
 i’ll tell you
you’re only looking at a reflection.
passionately craving your touch 
i broke through every barrier 
every wall.
 
my gates 
brick by brick they fell
as i let down my every guard.
 
feeling at home
in my own skin 
you wear me like a crown.
you kiss my neck 
like its your safety.
 
i marveled at my body
as it fit every corner
of yours.
 
you seem to know sides of myself that i never met. 
you seem to turn my every ugliness into perfection. 
 
in my head i was invisible
i told you 
that’s what makes me dangerous 
that’s why i cripple
that’s why i hurt.
i watched you 
write love poems 
to the parts of me 
i couldn’t bare.
 
i unveiled
and you took it all in
like i deserved to be taken in. 
theres a dance my heart learned to master
it seems to happen
at the first sight of you.
and in those few seconds 
before your lips meet mine 
the symphony in my veins run wild 
wrapping me in a stillness 
defeated only by time.
you seem to stand in my heart like you’ve lived there before 
you’re my blood 
you’re my wine
you’re what my soul was meant to live in. 
my darling 
no measure of time
could ever seem enough with you.
and so i felt 
the need
to immortalize your lips on my neck
your laugh in my ear 
your swallowed sighs every time i touched you.
i knew your devils and you knew mine.
they stared at each other in one mirror. 
i knew your deeds
and you knew i had non.
when i asked you
to come to me
to stay with me 
you came 
 prepared to bleed.
you listened 
and you 
humbled me.
so i pulled the trigger with my tongue 
you blew me a kiss
goodbye.
 
i watched the ray of smoke 
rise from your chest. 
its sick.
i’m sick.
i seem to have  put a bullet
into the one person i’d die for. 
 
i feel nothing.
 

fleeting

1

unraveling 

thoughts too fast to comprehend. 

 

2

everlasting 

brief memories.

 

3

twisting in knots 

i created.

 

4

escaping

a smile

 born

  only after

 meeting

   you.

 

5

knowing

im in. 

 

6

asking 

are you?

 

7

breathing 

toxic air.

 

8

holding

it all together.

 

9

maintaining 

a thin thread of sanity.

 

10

losing

me.

 

11

refusing 

compatibility.

 

12

yearning 

passionate illogicality.

 

marry me. (for my apple)

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i want 
 
little fingers 
little toes
 
i want my hands and your nose 
i want your smile and my wit
 
i want to make that
with only you.
 
i want us to be
the exception to every rule.
 
my darling
i can’t imagine
being bored 
or growing old
with anyone else
but you.
 
i want your hands to be
the first thing i kiss
every morning 
of my everyday.
 
i want your breath to be
the first thing i taste 
every morning
of everyday.
 
i want your eyes to be
the last thing i see
every night
of everyday.
 
and i want your voice to sing
the rhythm of my every dream
every night
of our everyday.
 
so 
 
damn the torpedoes.
and damn the hurricanes.
because
your crazy
fits my crazy.
 
i’m in.
i’m here.
 
and i’m ready 
to bare your name.
 
take what’s left of
this poor soul
make me whole
make it rain again.
 
i guess,
 
what i’m trying to say is
 
will you,
give me the pleasure 
of your
i do?