An apology letter for the both of us.

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There’s a fire inside of her. 

She is beautiful, 

Volatile, 

Unpredictable, 

Soft and hard, and soft again. 

 

You taught her how to feel 

She taught you how to love.

 

You’ll always be there with her, 

Standing in the shadows to keep her safe, 

Laughing with her in the light, 

Watching through her eyes, 

All those who dare to get close. 

 

You’ll always be there and, 

She will always be fine.

 

Im not blinded to realities,

She’s yours, 

I wholeheartedly agree.

Yet around me 

She still couldn’t breathe.

 

With butterflies,

To the point of suffocation.

We laughed at our untamed bodies.

 

I’ll always be her drug.

There’s no escaping that.

There’s no escaping me.

 

I tried you know, 

To rid myself of her. 

So did she. 

It never got any easier; 

We just got better at trying.

 

We felt the novelty of our beginning 

Even at our very end.

Crazy, right?

 

I was addicted, 

So I became the demon in our fairytale.

Her kisses were my whiskey 

Her touch was my loaded gun.

 

I could rid myself of all my pieces, 

And yet she remained the one thing 

I could never budge.

 

There’s a first for everything. 

And she went through the lists,

Becoming, 

My last first.

 

Tonight,

I wanted to collapse into her 

And rest a while. 

Curl upon her lap 

As she kissed my hair.

Just for the day, 

I wanted us back. 

 

Life has been playing tricks on me lately

Serving me too much of its realities.

I decided not to take it seriously.

So tonight, I let go.

 

Tonight,

I let her touch me again.

 

For a minute 

We couldn’t breathe. 

 

I never knew how good it felt

Not to breathe.

 

We couldn’t tame it,

The urge, 

That animalistic hunger.

 

I sat farther away teasing her. 

A slow curl of smoke parted her lips,

She smiled at my audacity.

 

I craved her.

 

Later, 

We were lying in tangled sheets, 

Hazy with spent lusts, 

Underneath my shirt

She traced my navel with her finger,

“You’ll love me forever.” She whispered. 

“Forever and a day.” I softly admitted.

 

Through layers upon layers of clothes, 

She set fire to my insides 

Fucking my soul.

 

“I’ll consume you,” she whispered 

Brushing her lips against my neck,

The open door behind her let in a breeze as she walked out 

It washed through our senses waking us up,

“My tragedy 

Is that I’ll let you”                    I trembled in reply.

 

She left,

And my heart rate started going back to normal, 

The muscles on my face didn’t stretch half as much 

And the aftermath of her, 

Began to lull me.

 

I felt dirty.

I felt soiled.

I felt numb.

I felt broken.

 

She’d left holes where she brushed,

Her tongue burned where it licked.

 

I could still smell her every which way I turned. 

She was on my hair, 

On my bed, 

And on my pillows.

 

Stripping out of every fragment of fabric I had on

I couldn’t wait to get in the shower. 

 

As if scrubbing off the remainders of her 

Would somehow make me feel, 

Clean again.

 

Leaving, 

I had long ago caged myself, 

In miles of carted hell,

Vowing, 

To never again, 

Touch her.

  

Now, she has you, and you have her.

All I have left are my words.

 

You can have her.

You can have it.

You can have me.

For I am only half of myself without her.

 

Kindly take her

And take my words with you

Take all you can carry.

 

Leave me with nothing,

I beg you.

 

I won’t fight you.

Just promise me, 

You’ll keep her safe. 

 

For I am the poet 

And she is my poetry. 

 

She is my anchor in the turbulent sea. 

She is my air that gives me breath. 

 

I can vow to anything till kingdom come,

But she wasn’t ever mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything she wanted.

And then she became something I hated. 

 

We were a single thought in two minds

Our edges would make a sculpture weep in jealousy.

 

We are entwined for all life and death.

So you keep her safe, 

Until the day I come next.

 

My poet.

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You paint me a story with words, 

Poet You have me 
In places and times 
Of your choice.

All I ever did in return,
Was, 
To build you, 
A kingdom 
From clouds & fairy lights. 
 
But your face of utter wonderment, 
Meant the absolute world 
To me, 
And I came undone.
 
You rescued me 
The day you met me.
And you’ve been saving me 
Everyday since.
 
Tempt me not with play , poet.
Don’t be coy and dare to tease
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,  
In ways 
Not even your books could describe.
 
 
I can’t tell you things that have no words 
And yet those wretched little things 
Drive me insane 
Uncurling in my heart 
Making me breathless 
With the many things I can’t say. 
 
After a single kiss I knew 
I’d spend my life trying to 
Fit the right words around you.
 
You, almost escaped description. 
And then I found a way 
To tell it all in tales
Without the limitations
 
Of words.
 
In a room, 
Too small, 
Where we both belong. 
Making the kind of memories 
Worth writing songs about.
 
Telling each other stories 
Over smoke, 
Candy 
And some kind of liquor. 
 
I found it.
 
I found you.

 

nothing.

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you hold me 
like i’m worth it.
tell me i’m beautiful
 i’ll tell you
you’re only looking at a reflection.
passionately craving your touch 
i broke through every barrier 
every wall.
 
my gates 
brick by brick they fell
as i let down my every guard.
 
feeling at home
in my own skin 
you wear me like a crown.
you kiss my neck 
like its your safety.
 
i marveled at my body
as it fit every corner
of yours.
 
you seem to know sides of myself that i never met. 
you seem to turn my every ugliness into perfection. 
 
in my head i was invisible
i told you 
that’s what makes me dangerous 
that’s why i cripple
that’s why i hurt.
i watched you 
write love poems 
to the parts of me 
i couldn’t bare.
 
i unveiled
and you took it all in
like i deserved to be taken in. 
theres a dance my heart learned to master
it seems to happen
at the first sight of you.
and in those few seconds 
before your lips meet mine 
the symphony in my veins run wild 
wrapping me in a stillness 
defeated only by time.
you seem to stand in my heart like you’ve lived there before 
you’re my blood 
you’re my wine
you’re what my soul was meant to live in. 
my darling 
no measure of time
could ever seem enough with you.
and so i felt 
the need
to immortalize your lips on my neck
your laugh in my ear 
your swallowed sighs every time i touched you.
i knew your devils and you knew mine.
they stared at each other in one mirror. 
i knew your deeds
and you knew i had non.
when i asked you
to come to me
to stay with me 
you came 
 prepared to bleed.
you listened 
and you 
humbled me.
so i pulled the trigger with my tongue 
you blew me a kiss
goodbye.
 
i watched the ray of smoke 
rise from your chest. 
its sick.
i’m sick.
i seem to have  put a bullet
into the one person i’d die for. 
 
i feel nothing.