Parking lot.

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maybe i should mention

that i went to our place yesterday

i sat on our burgundy rug

i stared at a place set for two

and i had a picnic.

somehow it seemed a little less strange with you there.

somehow people stared less at the odd couple breaking bread in a parking lot.

 

i heard your voice

 

felt the touch of your breath on my forehead

i shivered

you were telling me i live in my head too much

that i now believe illusions to be real

wont you stop saying that please?

how can it be

that the familiar texture, warmth, smell, or feel

of your breath near my skin

be a form of illusion my mind created?

 pretending to smile like you did.

i couldn’t have imagined that, could i?

i saw you muster lies told to exquisite pain

although, this time i think i noticed how your eyes swayed

you know, Like they do when you’re keeping a secret?

Why would you do that?

and then for a second

i think

i needed to look away.

because this time,

i saw it.

i saw how you denied me those extra moments of grief

i saw myself believe you were getting better

i saw hope creep its way into my fragile shell

 

god.

 

no.

please believe me when i say;

i thought i saved you, when i got on my knees and prayed for your life in exchange for mine

i thought i saved you, when i climbed into that frail bed and held you in my arms

i thought i saved you, when i named your body home and tide its existence to mine

i thought i saved you, when i kissed you that last time

and felt you taking your last breath, from mine.

i thought if i kept kissing you

kept giving you the air in my lungs

and if i happened to find a way to breathe for you,

in a kiss so deep our bodies wouldn’t know who was breathing for who

i thought

that i would deceive time

that i would convince it to pass us by

to come another day

in another era

to take my life away

not yours.

i, the undeserving fool of an immortal being

i, the unbelieving pessimist

i, the very darkest of souls.

the place even daemons fear to tread hides within my creases.

i am the beginning and end of every story.

and you;

as sweet as the ripest apple on a tree

as i kissed you, you were taken

as I kissed you, you were kidnapped

as i kissed you, you were stolen,

from me.

please forgive me

It seems, i lied when i said i’d save you

i couldn’t save you.

and now you’re somewhere I’m not

and I’m everywhere I cant be.

 left with too much time and no will to live it

so i stay here in this parking lot

i eat the sandwiches we ate

i tell the jokes we told

i sing the songs we sang

and  i wait,

i wait for that blue car

parked still 17 inches away

to move again.

only this time

sending me to wherever you are

eating the sandwiches we ate

telling the jokes we told

and singing the songs we sang

giving me a chance to save you

in another lifetime

like you saved me in mine.

and maybe the time i was wrongfully given

would go to a soul more deserving than i

because i can no longer be here

dying among the living

waiting for my chance

to get to kiss you one more lasting last time.

my angel pulled from the wreckage.

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when they pulled you from that wreckage

i found myself bequeathed with a new habit

i seemed to always find a reason to never again feel good enough
to never again feel whole enough
to never smile enough
and on occasion, forget to breathe
long enough
to lose my senses 
memories still leak from every inch of me
memories of you
memories of me
and i feel my body atrophy 
so let me be empty tonight 
let me drink it all away
maybe i’ll find some comfort in the numb
just, let me be empty.
of every whispered promise 
of every unfulfilled maybe
and every torturous what if
i still feel like you’re dying
i feel it everyday
it happens over and over again
that image of you
being pulled from the wreckage.
i am haunted by the stones
i couldn’t lift from your chest 
and the scratches 
i couldn’t heal on your face
the broken bones i shook to wake you up
i am still tormented everyday
because of this ache in my chest
that grew with every minute
i couldn’t give my life up for yours
and with every breath
you still die
in my arms.
all over again.
so let me be empty tonight 
let me drink away the guilt.
let me be free
let me be numb.
that night
with you passing 
in that endless moment 
i’ve never heard anything so quiet.
i truly believe 
the angels
so enamored 
with their new arrival 
made the world silent.
i still miss you every second.
i still hide it
like i do everything.
so for now;
i’ll be as quiet
as the demons taught me.
in my dreams 
i’ll be empty 
of every memory.
and maybe
i’ll have one last dance 
with my father
in the night.