5 minutes.

They were in the car
He played a song, 
You know .. 
That song.
She stared at him, 
You know, 
That stare?
He took her left hand and he kissed it soft
She closed her eyes. 
She wanted to know nothing but his lips on her flesh.
He whispered so the ghosts wont hear
“what if i loved you?”
And she kissed him.
It was the kind of kiss she could never tell her friends about out loud.
It was the kind of kiss that made him know, that he was never so happy in his whole life
It was the kind of kiss that you never get to relive. 
The kind of kiss that felt, final and calm.
It seemed like years went by when the kiss ended 
He started driving again
Without saying a word.
Her head started going wild again
Because you see,
Every now and then, 
Things would start moving around her
Sounds would be bass heavy and hollow within her walls
Every now and then the patterns she created to help her understand things would dissolve
And she seemed unable to put a single thought together.
She asked him to pull to the side of the road
She opened the door and got out
The wind turned her dress into ocean waves.
The music was so loud and the sound of their voices got scooped up into a vacuum and it was replaced by the song still playing
That song.
In her eyes 
In that infinite moment 
Was everything that made him wonder.
And then she started laughing 
And he started laughing
And he got out of the car
And she met him halfway on the road
“are we done? can i love you now?”
She didn’t kiss him this time.
She kept walking and got into the drivers seat
He got in right next to her
Letting her feel all she’s feeling the way she wanted to feel it
I think
That was the best part
She rolled down the windows
The air ran in as the song ended
And in her tummy she felt sore for all the right reasons 
And in her heart she felt warm for all the right reasons 
And in her mind she felt like running, for all the wrong reasons
She felt all she felt
In 5 minutes.
That was when she turned and she saw him.
Really saw him. 
“five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, right now, in this car, with you, and in 5 minutes i loved you, i  kissed you, i hated you, i thought i left you, and you, you loved me enough to not let me. in 5 minutes, we were young in a good way. And for 5 minutes we felt infinite. so i guess, maybe this time, i let you love me, maybe this time i stay and bask in the warm glow of you, until next time, when the next 5 minutes decide to shift how i’m made again. until the next 5 minutes of our lives together”

a constant runaway’s remembrance


I lit the fire, curled up with my book, lost in a hurricane of thought, there was still a monster in my house, and, in a fragment of time that had, perhaps, been snipped out of my reality, I was in love with the one that took me to the sea, and drowned me. From the moment I saw her, the prophecy became a reality, because that which takes the form of an angel becomes itself an angel. she was beautiful, she was magical, she was a nightmare within a dream. 
And the best part? Her eyes weren’t the windows to her soul, they were the doors into mine.
Her face, her words, and the sound of her every trigger, they were haunting me: standing behind me, present and yet invisible.
Our story, it wasn’t like any other.There had been betrayal in it, I knew, and loss, and time. The thought of having went through that made it all the more difficult to attempt any form of reality in my head; She was like a wound beneath an old bandage and I had grown more used to the bandage. She no longer served her purpose, and I never came to know what was mine.
The fireplace was almost dark now, with only the deep red glow of embers in the hearth to mark that it had once been burning, once had given light.
That was when i saw her coming, she walked like the last touch of a sunset, at the end of the world. 
Her hands, ever so delicate, formed a series of nightmares, tearing at a nightmare. 
I didn’t know how to begin reacting to her, how to conjure a single thought, I was lost and maybe found, I could never tell the difference.
We sat, the two of us, next to each other, and we could have been continents away.
She spoke, and as she struggled to continue, I seemed to hear nothing but silence, it was louder than words could have ever been. 
She said nothing. 
That was how I walked out, feeling liberated, but mostly, sad. 
Because, if i had stayed, It would have not killed me, it would have destroyed me. Dissolved me. I wouldn’t die, but if I stayed for too long, after a while only a little of me would exist, everywhere all spread out. 
And that’s not a good thing. 
Never enough of me all together in one place, there wouldn’t be anything left that would think of itself as any form of me i’ve ever known. 
No point of view any longer, because I’d be an infinite sequence of every view and point. I would exist through non existing, it would be like watching pieces of myself float across a meadow always there but never again, me. A mess of thoughts, unable to decipher between the person, I knew and the one colliding my minds together in war.
And so i left, I was happy, I was devastated, I was confused, and then the confusion was replaced by a smile, as if the world had just reconfigured itself into a form that finally, made sense. 
Decades later, when we meet again, in a sweet serendipitous moment, I won’t remember how badly I hurt her, or how harshly I tore at her, and most excruciatingly, how that last kiss felt.
Its sad that I won’t remember, but I guess its easier that way.
What happens to memories when they are forgotten? Where do they go after living in our heads? Shadows waiting to be called.
So we lay our past selves to sleep, burn them to ashes and scatter them at sea, we serenade the moments, the hours and the days, because, in that split second, as I liberate her of me, my heart will start to sing, of a ghost-memory, a phantom moment, a shaky reflection in the pool of remembrance.
I will know how it would have felt when I, the scavenger took her heart. 
How it felt when my hunger, tore into her chest and snatched out her pulsing core, still pumping, I devoured it to get at what was hidden inside.

I somehow know how that felt, as if it was truly a part of my life, of my death.
And then the memory snips, and rips, ever so neatly, and I, forget again how somehow, with her in my arms it was as if I seemed to hold mountains, babysit hurricanes and I lay demons to sleep, in the space of a single breath.

be careful what you ask of me.

i was just doing what you asked me to do.

when i let loose and allowed you to fall deeply into me


i was just doing what you asked me to do

when i pretended not to notice the day you made me into every gray part of you


i was just doing what you asked me to do

that night you wrote me into your existence and i didn’t seem fight it


i was just doing what you asked me to do.

when you asked me to be myself and i turned my back on you


i was just doing what you asked me to do 

when i kissed you like i did and felt nothing 


i was just doing what you asked me  to do 

when i said i loved you knowing full well i am incapable of that emotion


i was just doing what you asked me to do

when i became everything you’ve ever wanted in-bodied in everything you’ve ever feared


and i was just doing what i thought i owed you

the day i left you a note and never saw you again


i was just doing what i thought you deserved 

something brighter than anything i could ever be


i was just being myself

the day i left and felt numb in return.