Breathe .: 1.16.11 :.

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I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.

He touched my fingers, 
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
Excessively.
Almost, violently.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."

I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.

I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.

I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.

Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."

He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.

He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.

"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.

I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.

He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.

Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.

The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.

He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.

My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."

That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.

I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.

The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.

Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.

"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."

I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.

He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."

Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."

Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."

He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."

My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."

Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."

My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.

He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.

For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.

"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.

"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.

"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."

My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.

"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."

The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.

My poet.

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You paint me a story with words, 

Poet You have me 
In places and times 
Of your choice.

All I ever did in return,
Was, 
To build you, 
A kingdom 
From clouds & fairy lights. 
 
But your face of utter wonderment, 
Meant the absolute world 
To me, 
And I came undone.
 
You rescued me 
The day you met me.
And you’ve been saving me 
Everyday since.
 
Tempt me not with play , poet.
Don’t be coy and dare to tease
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,  
In ways 
Not even your books could describe.
 
 
I can’t tell you things that have no words 
And yet those wretched little things 
Drive me insane 
Uncurling in my heart 
Making me breathless 
With the many things I can’t say. 
 
After a single kiss I knew 
I’d spend my life trying to 
Fit the right words around you.
 
You, almost escaped description. 
And then I found a way 
To tell it all in tales
Without the limitations
 
Of words.
 
In a room, 
Too small, 
Where we both belong. 
Making the kind of memories 
Worth writing songs about.
 
Telling each other stories 
Over smoke, 
Candy 
And some kind of liquor. 
 
I found it.
 
I found you.

 

smoking the stars (My Guru)

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In the distance she heard a cry, it masked its own contradicting whisper.

She ran to where the matches lay.

Picking them up, she came.

With her match, she lit me up like a cigarette, allowing me to burden her with my toxic smoke.

Like a superhero, she comes right when she’s needed, fixing everything, never allowing herself to be fixed in return.

She bore my scars like she knew where they came from.

She was my bullet in a gun, she was my aim when I had non, the ground was shaky underneath, but she held it still.

Yea,

I’m thinking, getting her back was one of my greatest wins.

We lay entwined, listening to the dawn’s chorus.

When she’s with me, this reality is surreal.

She stroked my fingers and smiled.

That smile.

The one that told me everything her words couldn’t.

I could wait forever in her smile.

“Look up.” She whispered.

I did.

I looked up.

Her soul had written us in the stars. It happened long before this old world was born. We happened long before this old world ruined us.

And I couldn’t breathe.

She turned and said, “Are you alright?”

I must be fine, because my heart’s still beating.

I had no unspoken words to covert or hide from her anymore, I had no mask, no sad eyes smile she didn’t seem to see.

Us being here was never an accident, she had all of me through and through.

“I spilled my secrets to the moon, and she gave me you.” I told her.

Breathless I smiled at the moon, but she too couldn’t speak in happiness.

Because, looking up that night, every star in the universe became my story.

She would wait a lifetime for me, at least that’s what the dark told me.

And I knew that as much as I knew, I had already waited through all of my lifetimes for her.

Once upon a reality, my grip came loose and I let her slip away.

Once upon a dream we wandered hand in hand, slipping back into each other’s souls making peace with our mistakes.

For a thousand hours, would she silently read our story to me. Using the sky for the words she couldn’t say.

Until her throat could fight no more and she would grow as silent as the night.

The rumble of her voice, would coax me to sleep.

To dream again, finding a peace I seek in me, in dreams I had, full of thoughts of her.

So I slept, teasing her with silent breaths.

I slept; reminding her our best was yet to come.

And she,

She had no choice but to wait, awake.

I know I said it once before but it bears repeating, I think getting her back was one of my life’s greatest wins.

my ending.

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theres another world beyond these doors. soft lights and warm sounds. her soft voice sways like a symphony, making me dream of sunshine. i can see her through every crack. my hands tingle, they are tempted towards the noise of magic and away from this noise within my many minds. 

my tears fall like drizzling rain drops in hope of washing away the grime of life. 
i want to go through these doors, i want to be next to her i want to hear her music up close. 
instead i am confined to this room, reaching a state of irregular numbness, i close my eyes and let the darkness feel me.
 
she has no idea how dangerous she makes the people to themselves when she’s around. sometimes, i’d trade reality, for her. an alternate universe, imagined, but in it, becoming, something better than myself.
i know i shouldn’t be putting myself through this, i know this torture won’t ever have and end game, but how can i help it if her existence embodies what i was, what i am, and now the very part of me that made me feel worth something isn’t there anymore.

 
i woke up the next day at dawn, there was something strange about the sky, when the sun scrambled from its ashes, i didn’t remember much of last night, a mixture of smells invaded my space within seconds of my consciousness, charred wood, soaked skin and burnt cigarets, the room lay torn around me, somehow i couldn’t figure out which tornado took place here.
 
i looked for her in the ruins of this storm, and with every corner turned, a mangled semblance of our lives together, scattered across this apartment in the shape of an endless summer.
 
i never question this empty vacuum of space when the sun is awakened and beaming, but dawn seems to have an affect on every strung out mind within my brain, its times like these that i notice how i live like I’m waiting for something to save me. everything i own, everything i am, nothing but a religious residue, from a life left behind. 
i live in limbo, stuck in a labyrinth, running in circles in search of her. with my nights being spent in distraction, and my mornings dedicated to figuring out what exactly happened, this feeling will get deeper, it will sink farther than any soul i once had, the time seems longer and the days all look the same, colored in the darkest shade of grey, do i dare dream of my own fictitious ending? do i dare stumble upon thoughts forever hidden?
 
i could have been safe without her. her sharp knives scraping my life away, clumsily shaping my realities into something unrecognisable. shredded and dissolved, a life together apart was always inevitable. 
I’m still waiting for her to put the knife down, to let me go, so i can remember how to smile again, the kind of smile that doesn’t involve her. my mind is preserved inside her world, ageing strangely as if she wants me to live forever, to never understand why i can’t. in her world everything is possible, thats what makes her dangerous. the very reason my end seems, as anything and everything that involves her, inevitable. 
 
and maybe that is my reality a fictitious end.

the art of war is lost on me

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the impulse, i understand.

the act itself, i cant wrap my head around.

you came to me shattered

pity is a strong emotion

the most impressive one of all

i let you in beyond the borders of my fortress

because pity told me so

i wondered

what it is about me

that makes broken people flock in my direction

as i unveiled the hidden secrets you thought you hid in plain sight

i knew nothing of what comes next

i observed and thus noticed the oddest of things

(“you cripple me”

how is it that i did that?)

your weapon was guilt

mine was my mind

i somehow cocked my weapon and left the trigger untouched

i thought you harmless

an unblemished pure soul

again

pity

what a strong little fucker she is

so beyond my walls you strolled

i thought nothing of it at the time

the closer you got

the less it seemed odd

(“my sanity hates you, you ruin her”

so i hold that much power beyond my walls?)

i can make you insane ..

and i swear

i never pushed the buttons i knew would do that

you’re living in an illusion of your creation 

 

(i thought)

 

or maybe i am

 

maybe what i thought 

i misunderstood

and what i felt 

i felt wrong

 

now here you are

standing outside my gates 

with the smuggest look i’ve ever seen

 

you made it 

you got in 

 

i never even fought you 

i didn’t know i should 

 

fool that i was 

i was seduced 

 

i don’t remember how 

i cant seem to recall when

 

now i’m alone in my lands 

again in my own sweet solitude 

 

you made it feel wrong 

you made it feel lonely 

you ruined my best drug 

you ruined it all 

 

and the worst part is

i never saw you coming 

i never felt the fall 

 

you did it with such ease 

with as much grace as air 

 

the art of deception is your masterpiece 

i may have won every battle 

but you won the war.

 

inhuman mistakes.

mistakes that undo you.

mistakes that feel so good until they ruin you.

mistakes that act holy only to seduce you

mistakes are what devils feed on

mistakes are those little pleasures you let yourself indulge in

until

that rude awakening.

and these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again.

and these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just hate them again.

and those people you hurt, you’ll just hurt them again

and those people you professed to love, you’ll just hate them again.

in a warm summers day i made my first mistake.

in a warm summers day, I, a willing victim, took the road to ruin.

in a warm summers day i met death and stared her in the eyes and i kissed her.

i was then lost somewhere watching over myself as if i wasn’t even in my own body.

i felt hollow and empty and a secret part of me relished in that emotion.

in a warm summers day i threw myself into the unknown

i gambled everything away and here i am now,

in the coldest winter i’ve ever had to bare

Regretting.

And there’s no way back from ruin. 

at least that’s what i hear.

 

she.

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You compare them all to her.

They’re never as pretty, never as beautiful, never as sweet, as the tip of her tongue.

They can never be, as lovely as her smile, or as heartbreaking as her eyes.
Their souls will never cure you like hers, their smile won’t ever fix your frown like hers does.
They can never be, as evil as her, as darkly twisted, or as stubborn as your she.
You’ll always compare them all to her.
You’ll compare how one simple word from her, can break your day or make it. 
You won’t help but notice, no one ever loves you like she does. She understands the right way to love you, the only way that crumbles you, like no other being ever will.
You look at her, and she stills you. 
The sight of her, fixes you. 
And then you know, that as long as she walks this earth, you won’t ever be truly, and undoubtedly happily with any other person.
You’ll see it, in her eyes, that she believes you were created to fit her. 
No one ever will compare to that look of hers that catches your breath so deeply you need to look away.
And when you’re happy, you notice a sad smile on her face, you notice a sudden peck on the cheek, that explains a million words that say in silence how, all she wants is for that happiness to last, with or without her, all she cares about is that intoxicating sight of you laughing.
You heard once, that, those who really love, love in silence, with deeds and not with words .. she is everything you’ve ever read and believed about love, starting with that.
No one else will try as perfectly as she, to maintain that intoxication.
She’s the friend of all friends, the shoulder, the calming presence. 
She’s the mother when you need one, even if you don’t even know it. 
She’s the lover that shatters you, destroys you only to fix you up her way.
She touches places in you, you thought you lost a long time ago.
She awakens your senses in so many ways that your blood boils at the sight of her lips untouched by yours.
She refused to be forgotten, so she made herself last in every corner of you.
She’s the one challenge that you won’t and never want to win over.
She’s a mystery and only she, sees that as the most beautiful compliment she’s ever bared. 
And when you feel her, withdrawing into herself, fading a world away from you, you pull her back,
because,
she’s another half of you you always denied existed.
She makes you feel all you feel, anyway you want to feel it, and she won’t ever judge.
To change you is a crime in her book. Even the darkest shades of you, she embraces. And you can’t help but compare, how no one else ever does.
She takes you the way you are, makes you into what you’re meant to be.

You’ll compare them all to her, the one you let slip away.
She’ll compare them all to you, the one she ran away from.

last night she was dead.

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last night she faked a seizure 

last night they took her to the coldest ER room in existence

last night she confided in her doctor that it was all in pretense 

last night she prayed for salvation 

because last night,

was the very last straw.

you see, she’s hanging by a thread 

so thin you can almost breathe it loose

so last night she gambled her life away

and last night she played dead 

only to remind the living 

to appreciate her and maintain her little thread of life.

last night she deceived 

at dinner, in public, she played the role of her life.

a dying woman fighting for the one that barely lives.