I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.
He touched my fingers,
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."
I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.
I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.
I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.
Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."
He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.
He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.
"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.
I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.
He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.
Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.
The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.
He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.
My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."
That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.
I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.
The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.
Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.
"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."
I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.
He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."
Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."
Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."
He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."
My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."
Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."
My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.
He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.
For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.
"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.
"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.
"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."
My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.
"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."
The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.
There’s a fire inside of her.
She is beautiful,
Soft and hard, and soft again.
You taught her how to feel
She taught you how to love.
You’ll always be there with her,
Standing in the shadows to keep her safe,
Laughing with her in the light,
Watching through her eyes,
All those who dare to get close.
You’ll always be there and,
She will always be fine.
Im not blinded to realities,
I wholeheartedly agree.
Yet around me
She still couldn’t breathe.
To the point of suffocation.
We laughed at our untamed bodies.
I’ll always be her drug.
There’s no escaping that.
There’s no escaping me.
I tried you know,
To rid myself of her.
So did she.
It never got any easier;
We just got better at trying.
We felt the novelty of our beginning
Even at our very end.
I was addicted,
So I became the demon in our fairytale.
Her kisses were my whiskey
Her touch was my loaded gun.
I could rid myself of all my pieces,
And yet she remained the one thing
I could never budge.
There’s a first for everything.
And she went through the lists,
My last first.
I wanted to collapse into her
And rest a while.
Curl upon her lap
As she kissed my hair.
Just for the day,
I wanted us back.
Life has been playing tricks on me lately
Serving me too much of its realities.
I decided not to take it seriously.
So tonight, I let go.
I let her touch me again.
For a minute
We couldn’t breathe.
I never knew how good it felt
Not to breathe.
We couldn’t tame it,
That animalistic hunger.
I sat farther away teasing her.
A slow curl of smoke parted her lips,
She smiled at my audacity.
I craved her.
We were lying in tangled sheets,
Hazy with spent lusts,
Underneath my shirt
She traced my navel with her finger,
“You’ll love me forever.” She whispered.
“Forever and a day.” I softly admitted.
Through layers upon layers of clothes,
She set fire to my insides
Fucking my soul.
“I’ll consume you,” she whispered
Brushing her lips against my neck,
The open door behind her let in a breeze as she walked out
It washed through our senses waking us up,
Is that I’ll let you” I trembled in reply.
And my heart rate started going back to normal,
The muscles on my face didn’t stretch half as much
And the aftermath of her,
Began to lull me.
I felt dirty.
I felt soiled.
I felt numb.
I felt broken.
She’d left holes where she brushed,
Her tongue burned where it licked.
I could still smell her every which way I turned.
She was on my hair,
On my bed,
And on my pillows.
Stripping out of every fragment of fabric I had on
I couldn’t wait to get in the shower.
As if scrubbing off the remainders of her
Would somehow make me feel,
I had long ago caged myself,
In miles of carted hell,
To never again,
Now, she has you, and you have her.
All I have left are my words.
You can have her.
You can have it.
You can have me.
For I am only half of myself without her.
Kindly take her
And take my words with you
Take all you can carry.
Leave me with nothing,
I beg you.
I won’t fight you.
Just promise me,
You’ll keep her safe.
For I am the poet
And she is my poetry.
She is my anchor in the turbulent sea.
She is my air that gives me breath.
I can vow to anything till kingdom come,
But she wasn’t ever mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything she wanted.
And then she became something I hated.
We were a single thought in two minds
Our edges would make a sculpture weep in jealousy.
We are entwined for all life and death.
So you keep her safe,
Until the day I come next.
If you’re looking for a home
a place to call your own
Let that be me.
If you’re looking for a shoulder
Somewhere you won’t feel any colder
Let that be me.
If you’re looking for a life
Someone to call a wife
Let her be me.
And if you’re looking for a name
Someone to bear your shame
That will always be me.
If you’re keeping a secret
If its burning a hole in your head
Just give it to me.
If you’re feeling dark and out of fire
And the worlds seem insane
Let me be your sanity.
Let me be your flame.
Let me see beneath your beautiful
Let me fall in love with you all over again
Let me scream
For something illogical
Let me be you’re someone to blame
And let me love it all the same.
Let me leave just to come back
And let me stay just to have you come to me.
Let me be saved
By an angel.
Let me be your silence
let me be your calm
Let me be your feeling
After every moment spent numb.
Let me be your religion.
Let me be your safety
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your bravery
Let me be your truth
Let me be your clarity.
Let me be your undoing
Just like you were mine.
Let me be your healing
My dear angel of mine.
And Let me be
The best of me.
So Let me be
The place you come from
And the place you go to.
Let me love you
Let me feel you
Let me strip you
And let me bare you.
Let me shift you
Let me hold you
And let me taste you.
I want to be
The blood in your veins.
I want to be
The beat of your heart.
I want to be
Every thought in your brain.
So don’t mind me
As I stand on the sidelines
Of your phenomenon.
And don’t mind me
As I write you
Into every love song.
And don’t mind the shouting
As I say it as loud as I possibly can
From the tops of every rooftop
That I’ve fallen
And I’m in too deep.
If you’d please
Spend what’s little left
Of my life
You demand of me.
And you are mine
And if we die