Breathe .: 1.16.11 :.

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I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.

He touched my fingers, 
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
Excessively.
Almost, violently.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."

I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.

I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.

I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.

Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."

He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.

He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.

"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.

I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.

He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.

Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.

The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.

He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.

My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."

That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.

I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.

The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.

Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.

"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."

I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.

He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."

Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."

Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."

He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."

My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."

Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."

My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.

He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.

For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.

"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.

"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.

"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."

My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.

"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."

The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.
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Parking lot.

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maybe i should mention

that i went to our place yesterday

i sat on our burgundy rug

i stared at a place set for two

and i had a picnic.

somehow it seemed a little less strange with you there.

somehow people stared less at the odd couple breaking bread in a parking lot.

 

i heard your voice

 

felt the touch of your breath on my forehead

i shivered

you were telling me i live in my head too much

that i now believe illusions to be real

wont you stop saying that please?

how can it be

that the familiar texture, warmth, smell, or feel

of your breath near my skin

be a form of illusion my mind created?

 pretending to smile like you did.

i couldn’t have imagined that, could i?

i saw you muster lies told to exquisite pain

although, this time i think i noticed how your eyes swayed

you know, Like they do when you’re keeping a secret?

Why would you do that?

and then for a second

i think

i needed to look away.

because this time,

i saw it.

i saw how you denied me those extra moments of grief

i saw myself believe you were getting better

i saw hope creep its way into my fragile shell

 

god.

 

no.

please believe me when i say;

i thought i saved you, when i got on my knees and prayed for your life in exchange for mine

i thought i saved you, when i climbed into that frail bed and held you in my arms

i thought i saved you, when i named your body home and tide its existence to mine

i thought i saved you, when i kissed you that last time

and felt you taking your last breath, from mine.

i thought if i kept kissing you

kept giving you the air in my lungs

and if i happened to find a way to breathe for you,

in a kiss so deep our bodies wouldn’t know who was breathing for who

i thought

that i would deceive time

that i would convince it to pass us by

to come another day

in another era

to take my life away

not yours.

i, the undeserving fool of an immortal being

i, the unbelieving pessimist

i, the very darkest of souls.

the place even daemons fear to tread hides within my creases.

i am the beginning and end of every story.

and you;

as sweet as the ripest apple on a tree

as i kissed you, you were taken

as I kissed you, you were kidnapped

as i kissed you, you were stolen,

from me.

please forgive me

It seems, i lied when i said i’d save you

i couldn’t save you.

and now you’re somewhere I’m not

and I’m everywhere I cant be.

 left with too much time and no will to live it

so i stay here in this parking lot

i eat the sandwiches we ate

i tell the jokes we told

i sing the songs we sang

and  i wait,

i wait for that blue car

parked still 17 inches away

to move again.

only this time

sending me to wherever you are

eating the sandwiches we ate

telling the jokes we told

and singing the songs we sang

giving me a chance to save you

in another lifetime

like you saved me in mine.

and maybe the time i was wrongfully given

would go to a soul more deserving than i

because i can no longer be here

dying among the living

waiting for my chance

to get to kiss you one more lasting last time.

5 minutes.

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They were in the car
He played a song, 
You know .. 
That song.
She stared at him, 
You know, 
That stare?
He took her left hand and he kissed it soft
She closed her eyes. 
She wanted to know nothing but his lips on her flesh.
He whispered so the ghosts wont hear
“what if i loved you?”
And she kissed him.
It was the kind of kiss she could never tell her friends about out loud.
It was the kind of kiss that made him know, that he was never so happy in his whole life
It was the kind of kiss that you never get to relive. 
The kind of kiss that felt, final and calm.
It seemed like years went by when the kiss ended 
He started driving again
Without saying a word.
Her head started going wild again
Because you see,
Every now and then, 
Things would start moving around her
Sounds would be bass heavy and hollow within her walls
Every now and then the patterns she created to help her understand things would dissolve
And she seemed unable to put a single thought together.
She asked him to pull to the side of the road
She opened the door and got out
The wind turned her dress into ocean waves.
The music was so loud and the sound of their voices got scooped up into a vacuum and it was replaced by the song still playing
Yea,
That song.
In her eyes 
In that infinite moment 
Was everything that made him wonder.
And then she started laughing 
And he started laughing
And he got out of the car
And she met him halfway on the road
“are we done? can i love you now?”
She didn’t kiss him this time.
She kept walking and got into the drivers seat
He got in right next to her
Letting her feel all she’s feeling the way she wanted to feel it
I think
Maybe
That was the best part
She rolled down the windows
The air ran in as the song ended
And in her tummy she felt sore for all the right reasons 
And in her heart she felt warm for all the right reasons 
And in her mind she felt like running, for all the wrong reasons
She felt all she felt
In 5 minutes.
That was when she turned and she saw him.
Really saw him. 
“five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, right now, in this car, with you, and in 5 minutes i loved you, i  kissed you, i hated you, i thought i left you, and you, you loved me enough to not let me. in 5 minutes, we were young in a good way. And for 5 minutes we felt infinite. so i guess, maybe this time, i let you love me, maybe this time i stay and bask in the warm glow of you, until next time, when the next 5 minutes decide to shift how i’m made again. until the next 5 minutes of our lives together”

no good

it started when you fell in love with the wrong angel
you trusted your heart and was made the fool
to let it bleed is no longer a choice.
i hope you wish you never met me
i told you i wasn't good for you
i showed you how deep my cuts run
i begged you never to get used to me
i'm the place devils run to
across the bed i watch you sleep
sheets fill the place i used to lay in
i'm no good for you.
you can cry if you need to
but i wont be there to watch
you can touch me if you want to
but i cant be there to feel
i walked into hell and i told you not to follow me
yet here you are
baring it all
and you're in too deep
you hold on thinking i'm about to change soon
you forced me to lie to you
when you said you loved me and i said it back
but is it lying when i know you don't want the truth?
you cradle my wounds like you can save me
yea, i think maybe we were good together,
but we know the best parts are behind us
we were illogical, with a little sweetness
sometimes i do wish all we needed was less of us
you fell in love with the wrong dream
you held on to the wrong fantasy
you used me to numb your daydreaming
here's to hoping you satisfied that like an addict
and i used you because i needed to use someone
here's to hoping the right person changes me
you're holding my hands,
you're crying in my arms,
what does all this mean?
i thought we'd never have to do these things
i hoped i'd never have to do these things
when i told you never to get used to me.
but here you are
and you're in way too deep.
and i can't help but hate you for it.

she.

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You compare them all to her.

They’re never as pretty, never as beautiful, never as sweet, as the tip of her tongue.

They can never be, as lovely as her smile, or as heartbreaking as her eyes.
Their souls will never cure you like hers, their smile won’t ever fix your frown like hers does.
They can never be, as evil as her, as darkly twisted, or as stubborn as your she.
You’ll always compare them all to her.
You’ll compare how one simple word from her, can break your day or make it. 
You won’t help but notice, no one ever loves you like she does. She understands the right way to love you, the only way that crumbles you, like no other being ever will.
You look at her, and she stills you. 
The sight of her, fixes you. 
And then you know, that as long as she walks this earth, you won’t ever be truly, and undoubtedly happily with any other person.
You’ll see it, in her eyes, that she believes you were created to fit her. 
No one ever will compare to that look of hers that catches your breath so deeply you need to look away.
And when you’re happy, you notice a sad smile on her face, you notice a sudden peck on the cheek, that explains a million words that say in silence how, all she wants is for that happiness to last, with or without her, all she cares about is that intoxicating sight of you laughing.
You heard once, that, those who really love, love in silence, with deeds and not with words .. she is everything you’ve ever read and believed about love, starting with that.
No one else will try as perfectly as she, to maintain that intoxication.
She’s the friend of all friends, the shoulder, the calming presence. 
She’s the mother when you need one, even if you don’t even know it. 
She’s the lover that shatters you, destroys you only to fix you up her way.
She touches places in you, you thought you lost a long time ago.
She awakens your senses in so many ways that your blood boils at the sight of her lips untouched by yours.
She refused to be forgotten, so she made herself last in every corner of you.
She’s the one challenge that you won’t and never want to win over.
She’s a mystery and only she, sees that as the most beautiful compliment she’s ever bared. 
And when you feel her, withdrawing into herself, fading a world away from you, you pull her back,
because,
she’s another half of you you always denied existed.
She makes you feel all you feel, anyway you want to feel it, and she won’t ever judge.
To change you is a crime in her book. Even the darkest shades of you, she embraces. And you can’t help but compare, how no one else ever does.
She takes you the way you are, makes you into what you’re meant to be.

You’ll compare them all to her, the one you let slip away.
She’ll compare them all to you, the one she ran away from.