Breathe .: 1.16.11 :.

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I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.

He touched my fingers, 
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
Excessively.
Almost, violently.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."

I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.

I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.

I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.

Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."

He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.

He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.

"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.

I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.

He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.

Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.

The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.

He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.

My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."

That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.

I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.

The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.

Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.

"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."

I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.

He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."

Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."

Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."

He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."

My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."

Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."

My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.

He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.

For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.

"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.

"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.

"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."

My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.

"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."

The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.
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An apology letter for the both of us.

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There’s a fire inside of her. 

She is beautiful, 

Volatile, 

Unpredictable, 

Soft and hard, and soft again. 

 

You taught her how to feel 

She taught you how to love.

 

You’ll always be there with her, 

Standing in the shadows to keep her safe, 

Laughing with her in the light, 

Watching through her eyes, 

All those who dare to get close. 

 

You’ll always be there and, 

She will always be fine.

 

Im not blinded to realities,

She’s yours, 

I wholeheartedly agree.

Yet around me 

She still couldn’t breathe.

 

With butterflies,

To the point of suffocation.

We laughed at our untamed bodies.

 

I’ll always be her drug.

There’s no escaping that.

There’s no escaping me.

 

I tried you know, 

To rid myself of her. 

So did she. 

It never got any easier; 

We just got better at trying.

 

We felt the novelty of our beginning 

Even at our very end.

Crazy, right?

 

I was addicted, 

So I became the demon in our fairytale.

Her kisses were my whiskey 

Her touch was my loaded gun.

 

I could rid myself of all my pieces, 

And yet she remained the one thing 

I could never budge.

 

There’s a first for everything. 

And she went through the lists,

Becoming, 

My last first.

 

Tonight,

I wanted to collapse into her 

And rest a while. 

Curl upon her lap 

As she kissed my hair.

Just for the day, 

I wanted us back. 

 

Life has been playing tricks on me lately

Serving me too much of its realities.

I decided not to take it seriously.

So tonight, I let go.

 

Tonight,

I let her touch me again.

 

For a minute 

We couldn’t breathe. 

 

I never knew how good it felt

Not to breathe.

 

We couldn’t tame it,

The urge, 

That animalistic hunger.

 

I sat farther away teasing her. 

A slow curl of smoke parted her lips,

She smiled at my audacity.

 

I craved her.

 

Later, 

We were lying in tangled sheets, 

Hazy with spent lusts, 

Underneath my shirt

She traced my navel with her finger,

“You’ll love me forever.” She whispered. 

“Forever and a day.” I softly admitted.

 

Through layers upon layers of clothes, 

She set fire to my insides 

Fucking my soul.

 

“I’ll consume you,” she whispered 

Brushing her lips against my neck,

The open door behind her let in a breeze as she walked out 

It washed through our senses waking us up,

“My tragedy 

Is that I’ll let you”                    I trembled in reply.

 

She left,

And my heart rate started going back to normal, 

The muscles on my face didn’t stretch half as much 

And the aftermath of her, 

Began to lull me.

 

I felt dirty.

I felt soiled.

I felt numb.

I felt broken.

 

She’d left holes where she brushed,

Her tongue burned where it licked.

 

I could still smell her every which way I turned. 

She was on my hair, 

On my bed, 

And on my pillows.

 

Stripping out of every fragment of fabric I had on

I couldn’t wait to get in the shower. 

 

As if scrubbing off the remainders of her 

Would somehow make me feel, 

Clean again.

 

Leaving, 

I had long ago caged myself, 

In miles of carted hell,

Vowing, 

To never again, 

Touch her.

  

Now, she has you, and you have her.

All I have left are my words.

 

You can have her.

You can have it.

You can have me.

For I am only half of myself without her.

 

Kindly take her

And take my words with you

Take all you can carry.

 

Leave me with nothing,

I beg you.

 

I won’t fight you.

Just promise me, 

You’ll keep her safe. 

 

For I am the poet 

And she is my poetry. 

 

She is my anchor in the turbulent sea. 

She is my air that gives me breath. 

 

I can vow to anything till kingdom come,

But she wasn’t ever mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything she wanted.

And then she became something I hated. 

 

We were a single thought in two minds

Our edges would make a sculpture weep in jealousy.

 

We are entwined for all life and death.

So you keep her safe, 

Until the day I come next.

 

My poet.

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You paint me a story with words, 

Poet You have me 
In places and times 
Of your choice.

All I ever did in return,
Was, 
To build you, 
A kingdom 
From clouds & fairy lights. 
 
But your face of utter wonderment, 
Meant the absolute world 
To me, 
And I came undone.
 
You rescued me 
The day you met me.
And you’ve been saving me 
Everyday since.
 
Tempt me not with play , poet.
Don’t be coy and dare to tease
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,  
In ways 
Not even your books could describe.
 
 
I can’t tell you things that have no words 
And yet those wretched little things 
Drive me insane 
Uncurling in my heart 
Making me breathless 
With the many things I can’t say. 
 
After a single kiss I knew 
I’d spend my life trying to 
Fit the right words around you.
 
You, almost escaped description. 
And then I found a way 
To tell it all in tales
Without the limitations
 
Of words.
 
In a room, 
Too small, 
Where we both belong. 
Making the kind of memories 
Worth writing songs about.
 
Telling each other stories 
Over smoke, 
Candy 
And some kind of liquor. 
 
I found it.
 
I found you.

 

i love you, but ..

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No one really knew how hard it was to hang onto the last threads of sanity, like you did when I first met you.

I don’t know how else to explain what happened to me, I was seduced by a nervous smile, and with an accidental brush of your hand I was hooked.

You seemed to understand, even my most unexplainable thoughts, like how I knew, that even you knew, I would forever wander within my own mind, lost deep at thought, never finding peace or serenity, even long after my last breath was drawn.

Getting to know you was like finding the parts of myself I lost in corners of this world, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain that they all missed. I held your heart in mine safe like its been there for quite a while, some other lifetime ago, I felt it part as it broke, I felt it crack like somehow it was shouting. Abandoning all pretences, crawling away from modesty, you hid beneath your wounds. It seemed the closer i got, and the more I touched, the clearer it became.  We were two angels wrapped in concrete. With our wounds being breathed back to life, they felt raw, they felt new.

My heartbeat stuttered under the sight of you, bared and disrobed, to me.
You were beautiful.
Shatteringlly so.
Your past, your scars, your fears, your troubled mind, your broken heart, your body, your present, your soul, your future. I wanted it all.
I really did.
And at some point my mind refused to be stilled and it seemed all I could think of, was to whisper loudly in silence:
 “Get your beautiful mouth over here” every chance I got.
And then we kissed.
A kiss so deep you didn’t know who was breathing for who.
So with everyday that passed, since then, I sat and I sighed and like always my mind meandered to you.Being around you felt natural, it made sense, it calmed me.
You tasted to me like the first seconds of love
Like, the last painstakingly long seconds of death.
I thought I’d fallen for your every gasp of breath.
I thought I was going insane. 
I thought nothing could ever make sense anymore.
I swear, attraction was too tame a word for .. That.
The craving for you, was so acute I knew you’d finally become a drug to my body. The prime source of some very intense highs I never seemed to have ever experienced before in all my lifetimes.The best part was that, I knew it wasn’t just me, I saw myself as I gave your demons sanctuary to breathe.
And I saw them basking in the glowing embers of our fires.I loved everything you hated about yourself, everything you tried to hide and every sadness you’ve ever pushed yourself to survive.

And now, If I could put a thousand seas between you and my demons, I would.

I would, Sweep you off this surface and go dancing among the fireflies, swaying halfway through our lives finding ways to take what we always wanted in the form of things we always feared.

You,

just look at the fireflies always,
and don’t ever forget you’re adored.
I wanted to give you memories, unblemished by the facts of reality.
I wanted to be there and everywhere and absolutely nowhere.God, I should have known better than to have wholeheartedly loved a person as psychotic as I was.There we were, wilfully destroying the very fabric of each other’s souls. A cold war with both sides capable of completely obliterating each other. Mutually assured destruction we called it. Bearing teeth, talking up combat, two soldiers sharing a shield. Ice warriors refusing to shed their armours, unravelling in our own pride, having it end the fairytale of that one time we loved. What could ever be more dangerous, than an ice warrior with nothing left to lose?

I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to stay. I couldn’t decide which way to go because of you. 

I love you, but I hate what you do to me.

I love you, but I hate how fragile I am when it comes to you.

I love you, but I hate how you hurt me.

I love you, but I can’t stand how you lied to me.

I love you, but I hate how you I still waited for you to earn me.

I love you, but I hate that you knew.

Now,

I love you, but I don’t ever want to have you.

when I looked at her.

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A snow flake, stuck on a lash, she cradled my face and blew. 
With it, floated, the thoughts I carried, buried, hidden, always visible. 
Her hands, a slight breeze of every fruit in every forest, reached the nape of my back clenching a fistful of hair. 
Memorising my every feature. Her eyes demanded my attention. 
I wouldn’t dare give in.
Look at me she whispered, so close to my ear, her breath, so warm, too warm, my blood raged, my heart gave in.
My lids rested upon my sight, so scarred, so terrified. 
I wouldn’t look her in the eye. 
Because if i did, she would see, all of me, and I loved her too much to turn her into a masochist.
I fear the touch that unravels me, I fear the home I found buried in every inhale I took around her. I fear the skin, a touch a way, too far to kiss. I fear her hands, on my throat, wrecking me. I fear the shiver in my veins. I fear the kiss, she blew, on lips, so hungry to have finally breathed. 
With my eyes still shut, I saw her, ripping away, my every veil. 
Her hands slid and fled. Waiting for mine, to bring them home.
I was undone, broken into particles of her, as she wore me like a ring.
Her tongue, painted pictures of black and blue, as it roamed every inch of myself I ever knew. 
There and then, my body, became her canvas. An armed field she took pleasure in disarming. I tried, to hide the scars, but in truth, much of my flesh, told a story of a survived encounter. 
She drew, with that tongue a sketch of my every wound. 
Inhaling my every sense, she took even the memories away.
In a moment that seemed to pause every aspect of space and time, I was sculpted, I was created.
We made art, that night, with my eyes shut. 

She brought to life a masterpiece, unravelling, in me, everything she ever dared to fear.