I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.
He touched my fingers,
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."
I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.
I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.
I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.
Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."
He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.
He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.
"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.
I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.
He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.
Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.
The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.
He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.
My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."
That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.
I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.
The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.
Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.
"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."
I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.
He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."
Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."
Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."
He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."
My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."
Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."
My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.
He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.
For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.
"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.
"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.
"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."
My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.
"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."
The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.
You paint me a story with words,
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,
And then I found a way
Without the limitations
When you ate fruit in my bed you took off the stickers and placed them on my wall next to you. I never touched them. Someone picked them off from the paint today. I had just been in a car accident and screamed at them in a panic to stop. They said the stickers could peel the paint, off of the wall, that it looked tacky, and continued scraping. My head hurts from the impact; did I mention it was a hit and run? All too similar, you asked if I was all right and then you left in such a hurry, I never even had a chance to breathe.
I wrote once that getting to know you was like finding the pieces of myself I lost, what was it about you that was so familiar? It felt less like I was getting to know you and more like I was remembering who you are, maybe its just the migraine but I still see now how every smile, every hand movement and every whisper only brought me to the conclusion that I have known you before, that I have loved you before, in another time, a different place, maybe some other existence. I was grateful that you understood me, the way my mind worked. It was just too easy being with you, like it was walking down the street today, knowing that you’ll fill in the gaps when I couldn’t explain something, not even to myself, you spoke to my mind and my heart reacted, kind of like a collision of separate worlds, you were my best best friend, the soul mate people took time to write poetry about, and I had that, for a second I had that, for one second, I no longer had anything to wish for. You gave me everything I ever wanted, I hate that you did that, but you did. The apartment was filled with you and I couldn’t seem to think of a single thing I craved then, I seemingly had it all, except I wanted more, I don’t want everyone else to be you, I just want you in my life, I wanted to be loved by you long before I ever knew a you existed among these Adams and Eves. This might seem out of the blue, but you never know when a hit a run can get you, my body’s bruised and I cant help but think for a second it hit me and my head started to spin and my body temperature ran high and I felt like a million roller coasters ran through me, but for a second, right before you put each sticker on my wall, you were the family I never had, you were everything that I am, only now I get to write a love story the way it was meant to be written, a tragedy. As I lay on your side of what used to be my safety, I think, maybe, I don’t like hit and runs so much.
No one really knew how hard it was to hang onto the last threads of sanity, like you did when I first met you.
I don’t know how else to explain what happened to me, I was seduced by a nervous smile, and with an accidental brush of your hand I was hooked.
You seemed to understand, even my most unexplainable thoughts, like how I knew, that even you knew, I would forever wander within my own mind, lost deep at thought, never finding peace or serenity, even long after my last breath was drawn.
Getting to know you was like finding the parts of myself I lost in corners of this world, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain that they all missed. I held your heart in mine safe like its been there for quite a while, some other lifetime ago, I felt it part as it broke, I felt it crack like somehow it was shouting. Abandoning all pretences, crawling away from modesty, you hid beneath your wounds. It seemed the closer i got, and the more I touched, the clearer it became. We were two angels wrapped in concrete. With our wounds being breathed back to life, they felt raw, they felt new.
You were beautiful.
You tasted to me like the first seconds of love
Like, the last painstakingly long seconds of death.
I thought I’d fallen for your every gasp of breath.
I thought I was going insane.
And I saw them basking in the glowing embers of our fires.I loved everything you hated about yourself, everything you tried to hide and every sadness you’ve ever pushed yourself to survive.
And now, If I could put a thousand seas between you and my demons, I would.
I would, Sweep you off this surface and go dancing among the fireflies, swaying halfway through our lives finding ways to take what we always wanted in the form of things we always feared.
I wanted to be there and everywhere and absolutely nowhere.God, I should have known better than to have wholeheartedly loved a person as psychotic as I was.There we were, wilfully destroying the very fabric of each other’s souls. A cold war with both sides capable of completely obliterating each other. Mutually assured destruction we called it. Bearing teeth, talking up combat, two soldiers sharing a shield. Ice warriors refusing to shed their armours, unravelling in our own pride, having it end the fairytale of that one time we loved. What could ever be more dangerous, than an ice warrior with nothing left to lose?
I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to stay. I couldn’t decide which way to go because of you.
I love you, but I hate what you do to me.
I love you, but I hate how fragile I am when it comes to you.
I love you, but I hate how you hurt me.
I love you, but I can’t stand how you lied to me.
I love you, but I hate how you I still waited for you to earn me.
I love you, but I hate that you knew.
Can you hear them
in the distance
You like to think you’re a god
You are no a god.
At every jealousy
Every piece of envy
Longing for the lives of strangers
On the memories
Go on then
do your best
feast on me
Take my memories
and my minds.
(You better hope you’ve got a big appetite.)
Because I have lived
Oh how I have lived.
And I have seen.
The things I have seen.
To the long preserved memory
Of the day
I looked away
From the last great war,
On the last passing of my very own soul.
I saw the birth of the universe
And I watched
As time ran out
Moment by moment
Until nothing remained
In all of time
I walked engraved in souls
Where the laws of humanity were devised, by
The minds of madmen.
I watched as their hearts froze
And memories burned
And souls erupted.
I have seen;
Oh how I have seen
Many a deep yearning glow
Of red embers and sapphire
In corners of every story
That told a tale
Once had given light.
I have lost things
You would never understand.
And I know things
That must never be told.
That must never be spoken.
Memories that would make parasite gods
So come on then
Join the symphony,
Dance on the graves of those who tried
And take it
Take it all
Bear it all.
I dare you.
A snow flake, stuck on a lash, she cradled my face and blew.
With it, floated, the thoughts I carried, buried, hidden, always visible.
Her hands, a slight breeze of every fruit in every forest, reached the nape of my back clenching a fistful of hair.
Memorising my every feature. Her eyes demanded my attention.
I wouldn’t dare give in.
Look at me she whispered, so close to my ear, her breath, so warm, too warm, my blood raged, my heart gave in.
My lids rested upon my sight, so scarred, so terrified.
I wouldn’t look her in the eye.
Because if i did, she would see, all of me, and I loved her too much to turn her into a masochist.
I fear the touch that unravels me, I fear the home I found buried in every inhale I took around her. I fear the skin, a touch a way, too far to kiss. I fear her hands, on my throat, wrecking me. I fear the shiver in my veins. I fear the kiss, she blew, on lips, so hungry to have finally breathed.
With my eyes still shut, I saw her, ripping away, my every veil.
Her hands slid and fled. Waiting for mine, to bring them home.
I was undone, broken into particles of her, as she wore me like a ring.
Her tongue, painted pictures of black and blue, as it roamed every inch of myself I ever knew.
There and then, my body, became her canvas. An armed field she took pleasure in disarming. I tried, to hide the scars, but in truth, much of my flesh, told a story of a survived encounter.
She drew, with that tongue a sketch of my every wound.
Inhaling my every sense, she took even the memories away.
In a moment that seemed to pause every aspect of space and time, I was sculpted, I was created.
We made art, that night, with my eyes shut.
She brought to life a masterpiece, unravelling, in me, everything she ever dared to fear.
She spoke, and as she struggled to continue, I seemed to hear nothing but silence, it was louder than words could have ever been.
I somehow know how that felt, as if it was truly a part of my life, of my death.
And then the memory snips, and rips, ever so neatly, and I, forget again how somehow, with her in my arms it was as if I seemed to hold mountains, babysit hurricanes and I lay demons to sleep, in the space of a single breath.
hearts don’t really break