i love you, but ..

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No one really knew how hard it was to hang onto the last threads of sanity, like you did when I first met you.

I don’t know how else to explain what happened to me, I was seduced by a nervous smile, and with an accidental brush of your hand I was hooked.

You seemed to understand, even my most unexplainable thoughts, like how I knew, that even you knew, I would forever wander within my own mind, lost deep at thought, never finding peace or serenity, even long after my last breath was drawn.

Getting to know you was like finding the parts of myself I lost in corners of this world, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain that they all missed. I held your heart in mine safe like its been there for quite a while, some other lifetime ago, I felt it part as it broke, I felt it crack like somehow it was shouting. Abandoning all pretences, crawling away from modesty, you hid beneath your wounds. It seemed the closer i got, and the more I touched, the clearer it became.  We were two angels wrapped in concrete. With our wounds being breathed back to life, they felt raw, they felt new.

My heartbeat stuttered under the sight of you, bared and disrobed, to me.
You were beautiful.
Shatteringlly so.
Your past, your scars, your fears, your troubled mind, your broken heart, your body, your present, your soul, your future. I wanted it all.
I really did.
And at some point my mind refused to be stilled and it seemed all I could think of, was to whisper loudly in silence:
 “Get your beautiful mouth over here” every chance I got.
And then we kissed.
A kiss so deep you didn’t know who was breathing for who.
So with everyday that passed, since then, I sat and I sighed and like always my mind meandered to you.Being around you felt natural, it made sense, it calmed me.
You tasted to me like the first seconds of love
Like, the last painstakingly long seconds of death.
I thought I’d fallen for your every gasp of breath.
I thought I was going insane. 
I thought nothing could ever make sense anymore.
I swear, attraction was too tame a word for .. That.
The craving for you, was so acute I knew you’d finally become a drug to my body. The prime source of some very intense highs I never seemed to have ever experienced before in all my lifetimes.The best part was that, I knew it wasn’t just me, I saw myself as I gave your demons sanctuary to breathe.
And I saw them basking in the glowing embers of our fires.I loved everything you hated about yourself, everything you tried to hide and every sadness you’ve ever pushed yourself to survive.

And now, If I could put a thousand seas between you and my demons, I would.

I would, Sweep you off this surface and go dancing among the fireflies, swaying halfway through our lives finding ways to take what we always wanted in the form of things we always feared.

You,

just look at the fireflies always,
and don’t ever forget you’re adored.
I wanted to give you memories, unblemished by the facts of reality.
I wanted to be there and everywhere and absolutely nowhere.God, I should have known better than to have wholeheartedly loved a person as psychotic as I was.There we were, wilfully destroying the very fabric of each other’s souls. A cold war with both sides capable of completely obliterating each other. Mutually assured destruction we called it. Bearing teeth, talking up combat, two soldiers sharing a shield. Ice warriors refusing to shed their armours, unravelling in our own pride, having it end the fairytale of that one time we loved. What could ever be more dangerous, than an ice warrior with nothing left to lose?

I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to stay. I couldn’t decide which way to go because of you. 

I love you, but I hate what you do to me.

I love you, but I hate how fragile I am when it comes to you.

I love you, but I hate how you hurt me.

I love you, but I can’t stand how you lied to me.

I love you, but I hate how you I still waited for you to earn me.

I love you, but I hate that you knew.

Now,

I love you, but I don’t ever want to have you.
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the art of war is lost on me

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the impulse, i understand.

the act itself, i cant wrap my head around.

you came to me shattered

pity is a strong emotion

the most impressive one of all

i let you in beyond the borders of my fortress

because pity told me so

i wondered

what it is about me

that makes broken people flock in my direction

as i unveiled the hidden secrets you thought you hid in plain sight

i knew nothing of what comes next

i observed and thus noticed the oddest of things

(“you cripple me”

how is it that i did that?)

your weapon was guilt

mine was my mind

i somehow cocked my weapon and left the trigger untouched

i thought you harmless

an unblemished pure soul

again

pity

what a strong little fucker she is

so beyond my walls you strolled

i thought nothing of it at the time

the closer you got

the less it seemed odd

(“my sanity hates you, you ruin her”

so i hold that much power beyond my walls?)

i can make you insane ..

and i swear

i never pushed the buttons i knew would do that

you’re living in an illusion of your creation 

 

(i thought)

 

or maybe i am

 

maybe what i thought 

i misunderstood

and what i felt 

i felt wrong

 

now here you are

standing outside my gates 

with the smuggest look i’ve ever seen

 

you made it 

you got in 

 

i never even fought you 

i didn’t know i should 

 

fool that i was 

i was seduced 

 

i don’t remember how 

i cant seem to recall when

 

now i’m alone in my lands 

again in my own sweet solitude 

 

you made it feel wrong 

you made it feel lonely 

you ruined my best drug 

you ruined it all 

 

and the worst part is

i never saw you coming 

i never felt the fall 

 

you did it with such ease 

with as much grace as air 

 

the art of deception is your masterpiece 

i may have won every battle 

but you won the war.