An apology letter for the both of us.

There’s a fire inside of her. 

She is beautiful, 

Volatile, 

Unpredictable, 

Soft and hard, and soft again. 

 

You taught her how to feel 

She taught you how to love.

 

You’ll always be there with her, 

Standing in the shadows to keep her safe, 

Laughing with her in the light, 

Watching through her eyes, 

All those who dare to get close. 

 

You’ll always be there and, 

She will always be fine.

 

Im not blinded to realities,

She’s yours, 

I wholeheartedly agree.

Yet around me 

She still couldn’t breathe.

 

With butterflies,

To the point of suffocation.

We laughed at our untamed bodies.

 

I’ll always be her drug.

There’s no escaping that.

There’s no escaping me.

 

I tried you know, 

To rid myself of her. 

So did she. 

It never got any easier; 

We just got better at trying.

 

We felt the novelty of our beginning 

Even at our very end.

Crazy, right?

 

I was addicted, 

So I became the demon in our fairytale.

Her kisses were my whiskey 

Her touch was my loaded gun.

 

I could rid myself of all my pieces, 

And yet she remained the one thing 

I could never budge.

 

There’s a first for everything. 

And she went through the lists,

Becoming, 

My last first.

 

Tonight,

I wanted to collapse into her 

And rest a while. 

Curl upon her lap 

As she kissed my hair.

Just for the day, 

I wanted us back. 

 

Life has been playing tricks on me lately

Serving me too much of its realities.

I decided not to take it seriously.

So tonight, I let go.

 

Tonight,

I let her touch me again.

 

For a minute 

We couldn’t breathe. 

 

I never knew how good it felt

Not to breathe.

 

We couldn’t tame it,

The urge, 

That animalistic hunger.

 

I sat farther away teasing her. 

A slow curl of smoke parted her lips,

She smiled at my audacity.

 

I craved her.

 

Later, 

We were lying in tangled sheets, 

Hazy with spent lusts, 

Underneath my shirt

She traced my navel with her finger,

“You’ll love me forever.” She whispered. 

“Forever and a day.” I softly admitted.

 

Through layers upon layers of clothes, 

She set fire to my insides 

Fucking my soul.

 

“I’ll consume you,” she whispered 

Brushing her lips against my neck,

The open door behind her let in a breeze as she walked out 

It washed through our senses waking us up,

“My tragedy 

Is that I’ll let you”                    I trembled in reply.

 

She left,

And my heart rate started going back to normal, 

The muscles on my face didn’t stretch half as much 

And the aftermath of her, 

Began to lull me.

 

I felt dirty.

I felt soiled.

I felt numb.

I felt broken.

 

She’d left holes where she brushed,

Her tongue burned where it licked.

 

I could still smell her every which way I turned. 

She was on my hair, 

On my bed, 

And on my pillows.

 

Stripping out of every fragment of fabric I had on

I couldn’t wait to get in the shower. 

 

As if scrubbing off the remainders of her 

Would somehow make me feel, 

Clean again.

 

Leaving, 

I had long ago caged myself, 

In miles of carted hell,

Vowing, 

To never again, 

Touch her.

  

Now, she has you, and you have her.

All I have left are my words.

 

You can have her.

You can have it.

You can have me.

For I am only half of myself without her.

 

Kindly take her

And take my words with you

Take all you can carry.

 

Leave me with nothing,

I beg you.

 

I won’t fight you.

Just promise me, 

You’ll keep her safe. 

 

For I am the poet 

And she is my poetry. 

 

She is my anchor in the turbulent sea. 

She is my air that gives me breath. 

 

I can vow to anything till kingdom come,

But she wasn’t ever mine to begin with.

And then not to end with.

And you looked like everything she wanted.

And then she became something I hated. 

 

We were a single thought in two minds

Our edges would make a sculpture weep in jealousy.

 

We are entwined for all life and death.

So you keep her safe, 

Until the day I come next.

 

A knight to remember.

With his head upon her lap, she watched the warrior as he slept.

Feeling a little more daring than she did the previous nights,

She indulged herself and her little cravings as she ran her fingers through his dark hair,

She then traced an old scar on his face, brokenheartedly wondering where it came from.

Growing a little weary, she continued to watch, as he sank even deeper into his slumber, hoping that one day, he would invite her into his world, and along his battlefields, where she would be given a chance, to save him, like he rescued her.

 

The dark sky watched over them, she was warm that dark December night, with an added exciting breeze. Safely watching the world down there she envied the littleness of mortals’ worlds. Yet, she could honestly say, she never really craved to be like them. 

She sighed as the beautiful girl’s heart broke, knowing, it ached to rescue the man she didn’t know she had already saved.

 

Angry and frustrated by the blindness of mortals, she decided to give the beautiful girl a gift, a very special gift she saved for only the mad ones that had magic, feeling generous, she gave the girl, 

The gift of true sight.

Like a shooting star it happened in mere seconds,

The words appeared written on his skin like nothing she’s ever seen before.

She saw the truth that night.

His truth.

All of it.

The sky continued to watch, with obvious glee and self-assured arrogance, as the beautiful girl fought to understand the things her eyes saw.

 

As he slept, her warrior with the dark hair,

She saw the secrets he hid only from her.

In the creases near his eyes,
She saw that she was his harbour.

His lips told tales, of a beautiful girl he loved to taste,

She blushed, and wouldn’t dare look away, because what she saw next,

Was something she couldn’t begin to fathom,
For his safe haven, was in the smell of her embrace.

And around his deepest scars, she saw, the one thing that scared her the most.

With her sudden gift of sight, she saw that she,

Was all that remained

Of his strength.

In a sudden moment of true clarity, she saw beyond his flesh wounds.

Letting it all hit her, she let go of all her burdens, only for the chance to bear his own.

This warrior,

This man,

Was already so deep inside of her, buried underneath her skin.

Finding his way into her bones, she knew he has become a necessity.

An opiate addiction clawing his way at whatever was left of her sanity.

She consumed all of him.

She couldn’t fight back.

She couldn’t get enough of him.

She didn’t seem to want to.

Because,

Out of all their burnt bridges,

Her sleeping warrior, built her an ash throne.

He built her a castle, fit for a queen,

She no longer needed any walls of her own.

At least,

Never around him.

When her heart became too heavy to carry,

He gave her his own, never asking for anything in return.

She vowed, with the sky as her witness, on a warm but breezy december night.

That she would spend the rest of her existence,

Finding ways, to always protect him.

To constantly be his anchor.

So she weaved her words like spider silk.

Wrapping it around them.

With every word, the silk grew tighter.
Until finally, it grew so tight, she couldn’t breathe.

She never knew how good it felt,
Not to breathe.

He woke up to the sensation of her skin.

She looked into the eyes of the man she vowed to protect,

and said;

“The bright days are gone, dearest.
We, are for the dark.
You gave me all the words.
Yes, you gave me my last attempt at alive.

Although, this time i’ll do it different.
Yes, this time I’ll do it right.

Because this time,
I have you.

 

My warrior of the night.”

Breathless and desperate for her, he didn’t know what to say to his beautiful girl.

A million words struggled on his lips, a lifetime’s worth of words.

“I don’t know what you are.” Was all he managed to breathe into her embrace.

“I am whatever is meant by all this chaos rioting through you.” She said.

“You can hear how loud my veins scream, can’t you?” He asked.

“My darling, 

I heard even the whisper of your cells, 

As they turned from air to fire in my arms, in a single night.” 

He couldn’t believe his senses.

Wrapped in silk, inhaling nothing but      her.

How she made him lose his words, he would never know.

For here laid a warrior that conquered worlds,

That defeated armies and beheaded many a demon.

He laid in the arms of a girl,

A beautiful girl,

That became his one true conqueror.

He felt a breeze interrupt his thoughts as she attempted to stand, unwrapping the silk.

Taking her hand, he ached to be back in her skin.

“Sit.” He ordered,

Allowing himself to breathe only the air he found, around her neck.

She felt his eyes trace her skin and she blushed.

Suddenly exhausted by the revelations of a single night,

Staying awake seemed too difficult for the girl.

Nevertheless, she obliged.

Sitting back down, she asked, “Will we sleep?”

“Sleep? 

 

Angel,     No. 

 

Find delirium? 

Yes, we most certainly will.”

He sealed his promise with a kiss,

The tormenting kind of kiss.

Writing vows with his tongue,

He told the girl he was hers.

He confessed, he was owned.

Looking down at both the warrior and the girl who brought him to his knees, even the sky gave them a silent applause. 

As she gifted them calmness, on the night she knew they wouldn’t soon forget, she then called for the stars asking them to watch over the girl and her warrior, for they are magic she said.

 

Taking a stroll across mortal lands, she went to deliver more of her gifts.

 

My poet.

You paint me a story with words, 

Poet You have me 

In places and times 

Of your choice.

All I ever did in return,

Was, 

To build you, 

A kingdom 

From clouds & fairy lights. 

 

But your face of utter wonderment, 

Meant the absolute world 

To me, 

And I came undone.

 

You rescued me 

The day you met me.

And you’ve been saving me 

Everyday since.

 

Tempt me not with play , poet.

Don’t be coy and dare to tease
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,  
In ways 

Not even your books could describe.

 

 

I can’t tell you things that have no words 

And yet those wretched little things 

Drive me insane 

Uncurling in my heart 

Making me breathless 

With the many things I can’t say. 

 

After a single kiss I knew 

I’d spend my life trying to 

Fit the right words around you.

 

You, almost escaped description. 
And then I found a way 

To tell it all in tales
Without the limitations

 

Of words.

 

In a room, 

Too small, 

Where we both belong. 

Making the kind of memories 

Worth writing songs about.

 

Telling each other stories 

Over smoke, 

Candy 

And some kind of liquor. 

 

I found it.

 

I found you.

 

Parking lot.

maybe i should mention

that i went to our place yesterday

i sat on our burgundy rug

i stared at a place set for two

and i had a picnic.

somehow it seemed a little less strange with you there.

somehow people stared less at the odd couple breaking bread in a parking lot.

 

i heard your voice

 

felt the touch of your breath on my forehead

i shivered

you were telling me i live in my head too much

that i now believe illusions to be real

won’t you stop saying that please?

how can it be

that the familiar texture, warmth, smell, or feel

of your breath near my skin

be a form of illusion my mind created?

 pretending to smile like you did.

i couldn’t have imagined that, could i?

i saw you muster lies told to exquisite pain

although, this time i think i noticed how your eyes swayed

you know, Like they do when you’re keeping a secret?

Why would you do that?

and then for a second

i think

i needed to look away.

because this time,

i saw it.

i saw how you denied me those extra moments of grief

i saw myself believe you were getting better

i saw hope creep its way into my fragile shell

 

god.

 

no.

please believe me when i say;

i thought i saved you, when i got on my knees and prayed for your life in exchange for mine

i thought i saved you, when i climbed into that frail bed and held you in my arms

i thought i saved you, when i named your body home and tide its existence to mine

i thought i saved you, when i kissed you that last time

and felt you taking your last breath, from mine.

i thought if i kept kissing you

kept giving you the air in my lungs

and if i happened to find a way to breathe for you,

in a kiss so deep our bodies wouldn’t know who was breathing for who

i thought

that i would deceive time

that i would convince it to pass us by

to come another day

in another era

to take my life away

not yours.

i, the undeserving fool of an immortal being

i, the unbelieving pessimist

i, the very darkest of souls.

the place even daemons fear to tread hides within my creases.

i am the beginning and end of every story.

and you;

as sweet as the ripest apple on a tree

as i kissed you, you were taken

as I kissed you, you were kidnapped

as i kissed you, you were stolen,

from me.

please forgive me

It seems, i lied when i said i’d save you

i couldn’t save you.

and now you’re somewhere I’m not

and I’m everywhere I cant be.

 left with too much time and no will to live it

so i stay here in this parking lot

i eat the sandwiches we ate

i tell the jokes we told

i sing the songs we sang

and  i wait,

i wait for that blue car

parked still 17 inches away

to move again.

only this time

sending me to wherever you are

eating the sandwiches we ate

telling the jokes we told

and singing the songs we sang

giving me a chance to save you

in another lifetime

like you saved me in mine.

and maybe the time i was wrongfully given

would go to a soul more deserving than i

because i can no longer be here

dying among the living

waiting for my chance

to get to kiss you one more lasting last time.

a simple irrational story.

I want to tell you a story

Of the day

I wrote you into my existence,

I want to watch your face as I recite words of true beauty

A collaboration of sentences, that can only be described as you,

Magnificently,

Breathtakingly

You.

My descriptions will somehow always come short,

My words, will never be enough,

Just try this with me.

Shut your eyes,

I promise you’ll see more clearly if you do.

Because maybe when I tell you,

How you added something interesting to who I was,

Who I am..

How you made me believable,

How you turned me into the truth,

How you gave me something to fight for,

How for the first time,

I stayed ..

Maybe if you knew,

How with these humble words,

I let go of all my aches,

so you’d burden me with your own.
I’ll consume the sun and moon just to glow for you

Just to be on my way to mending your broken shell,

To making you whole again.

Just listen to our story,

Maybe you’ll see as clear as me,

It began with a request met halfway,

And just like that, I wrote you into my existence.

Placed you where you fit,

Along the folds of my body,

Right at the palm of my hand,

Grasping you to the infinite phenomenon that is us.

Tide to my existence you’ll stay. For as long as I breathe,

I exist.

And as long as I exist,

I am yours.

i love you, but ..

No one really knew how hard it was to hang onto the last threads of sanity, like you did when I first met you.

I don’t know how else to explain what happened to me, I was seduced by a nervous smile, and with an accidental brush of your hand I was hooked.

You seemed to understand, even my most unexplainable thoughts, like how I knew, that even you knew, I would forever wander within my own mind, lost deep at thought, never finding peace or serenity, even long after my last breath was drawn.

Getting to know you was like finding the parts of myself I lost in corners of this world, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain that they all missed. I held your heart in mine safe like its been there for quite a while, some other lifetime ago, I felt it part as it broke, I felt it crack like somehow it was shouting. Abandoning all pretences, crawling away from modesty, you hid beneath your wounds. It seemed the closer i got, and the more I touched, the clearer it became.  We were two angels wrapped in concrete. With our wounds being breathed back to life, they felt raw, they felt new.

My heartbeat stuttered under the sight of you, bared and disrobed, to me.
You were beautiful.
Shatteringlly so.

Your past, your scars, your fears, your troubled mind, your broken heart, your body, your present, your soul, your future. I wanted it all.

I really did.

And at some point my mind refused to be stilled and it seemed all I could think of, was to whisper loudly in silence:

 “Get your beautiful mouth over here” every chance I got.

And then we kissed.

A kiss so deep you didn’t know who was breathing for who.

So with everyday that passed, since then, I sat and I sighed and like always my mind meandered to you.Being around you felt natural, it made sense, it calmed me.
You tasted to me like the first seconds of love
Like, the last painstakingly long seconds of death.
I thought I’d fallen for your every gasp of breath.
I thought I was going insane. 

I thought nothing could ever make sense anymore.

I swear, attraction was too tame a word for .. That.

The craving for you, was so acute I knew you’d finally become a drug to my body. The prime source of some very intense highs I never seemed to have ever experienced before in all my lifetimes.The best part was that, I knew it wasn’t just me, I saw myself as I gave your demons sanctuary to breathe.
And I saw them basking in the glowing embers of our fires.I loved everything you hated about yourself, everything you tried to hide and every sadness you’ve ever pushed yourself to survive.

And now, If I could put a thousand seas between you and my demons, I would.

I would, Sweep you off this surface and go dancing among the fireflies, swaying halfway through our lives finding ways to take what we always wanted in the form of things we always feared.

You,

just look at the fireflies always,

and don’t ever forget you’re adored.

I wanted to give you memories, unblemished by the facts of reality.
I wanted to be there and everywhere and absolutely nowhere.God, I should have known better than to have wholeheartedly loved a person as psychotic as I was.There we were, wilfully destroying the very fabric of each other’s souls. A cold war with both sides capable of completely obliterating each other. Mutually assured destruction we called it. Bearing teeth, talking up combat, two soldiers sharing a shield. Ice warriors refusing to shed their armours, unravelling in our own pride, having it end the fairytale of that one time we loved. What could ever be more dangerous, than an ice warrior with nothing left to lose?

I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to stay. I couldn’t decide which way to go because of you. 

I love you, but I hate what you do to me.

I love you, but I hate how fragile I am when it comes to you.

I love you, but I hate how you hurt me.

I love you, but I can’t stand how you lied to me.

I love you, but I hate how you I still waited for you to earn me.

I love you, but I hate that you knew.

Now,

I love you, but I don’t ever want to have you.

i dare you.

Can you hear them 

in the distance

singing?

 

You like to think you’re a god
You are no a god.

A parasite.

Eating away 
At every jealousy 
Every piece of envy

Longing for the lives of strangers 
On them 

you feed

On the memories 

of love
loss
Birth 
Death
Joy
And sorrow. 

So, sweetest;

Go on then 

do your best 

feast on me

Take me
Take my memories 

my lives 

my souls

my demons

and my minds.

 

(You better hope you’ve got a big appetite.)

 

Because I have lived 
Oh how I have lived.

 
And I have seen. 

The things I have seen.

 

Treat yourself 

To the long preserved memory 

Of the day

I looked away

From the last great war, 
On the last passing of my very own soul.

I saw the birth of the universe 
And I watched
As time ran out 
Moment by moment
Until nothing remained 

Nothing

In all of time

But me.

I walked engraved in souls

Where the laws of humanity were devised, by 

The minds of madmen.

I watched as their hearts froze 
And memories burned

And souls erupted.

 
I have seen;

Oh how I have seen 

 

Many a deep yearning glow

Of red embers and sapphire 

In corners of every story

That told a tale

Once burning

Once had given light.

 

I have lost things 
You would never understand. 

And I know things
Secrets 
That must never be told.

 
Knowledge 
That must never be spoken.

 
Memories that would make parasite gods 

Blaze.

 
So come on then

Join the symphony, 

Dance on the graves of those who tried 

 

Challenge me 

And take it

 

Take it all
Have it

Have me
Bear it all. 

 

I dare you.

 

 

bowing out, to fate.

the look on your face 

when your skin touched hers;

you used to look at me like that.

 

i’ve forgotten how much you loved me.

it seems, 

i’ve forgotten how much i loved, being her.

 

hear me as i plead,

listen to my howls,

outside your door

i beg of you.

 

if love is what you feel

my sweet,

don’t let me in.

 

open that door

my angel,

and i will.

 

i will crawl in.

 

no longer have i the strength 

to bow out bravely.

 

you open that door 

my love,

i will claw my way through her.

 

i’ll be kicking 

fighting 

screaming 

to the very end.

 

tell her

 

i can fix anything.

 

give me a war and i’ll fix it. 

 

but, tell her 

 

i could never seem to fix 

the fact that i,

am so breathlessly 

in love

with you.

 

kindly let her know;

I am giving her the days.

 

the days with you

the days to come  

the days i can’t have.

 

take them, please.

 

I am giving you, 

my days.

 

just you remember;

i will always be your fix.

 

i will , forever be 

your perfect fit.

 

with no more days, left 

to give

let me flare

and fade 

forever

from home.

when I looked at her.

A snow flake, stuck on a lash, she cradled my face and blew. 
With it, floated, the thoughts I carried, buried, hidden, always visible. 
Her hands, a slight breeze of every fruit in every forest, reached the nape of my back clenching a fistful of hair. 
Memorising my every feature. Her eyes demanded my attention. 
I wouldn’t dare give in.
Look at me she whispered, so close to my ear, her breath, so warm, too warm, my blood raged, my heart gave in.
My lids rested upon my sight, so scarred, so terrified. 
I wouldn’t look her in the eye. 
Because if i did, she would see, all of me, and I loved her too much to turn her into a masochist.
I fear the touch that unravels me, I fear the home I found buried in every inhale I took around her. I fear the skin, a touch a way, too far to kiss. I fear her hands, on my throat, wrecking me. I fear the shiver in my veins. I fear the kiss, she blew, on lips, so hungry to have finally breathed. 
With my eyes still shut, I saw her, ripping away, my every veil. 
Her hands slid and fled. Waiting for mine, to bring them home.
I was undone, broken into particles of her, as she wore me like a ring.
Her tongue, painted pictures of black and blue, as it roamed every inch of myself I ever knew. 
There and then, my body, became her canvas. An armed field she took pleasure in disarming. I tried, to hide the scars, but in truth, much of my flesh, told a story of a survived encounter. 
She drew, with that tongue a sketch of my every wound. 
Inhaling my every sense, she took even the memories away.
In a moment that seemed to pause every aspect of space and time, I was sculpted, I was created.
We made art, that night, with my eyes shut. 

She brought to life a masterpiece, unravelling, in me, everything she ever dared to fear.

my ending.

theres another world beyond these doors. soft lights and warm sounds. her soft voice sways like a symphony, making me dream of sunshine. i can see her through every crack. my hands tingle, they are tempted towards the noise of magic and away from this noise within my many minds. 

my tears fall like drizzling rain drops in hope of washing away the grime of life. 

i want to go through these doors, i want to be next to her i want to hear her music up close. 

instead i am confined to this room, reaching a state of irregular numbness, i close my eyes and let the darkness feel me.

 

she has no idea how dangerous she makes the people to themselves when she’s around. sometimes, i’d trade reality, for her. an alternate universe, imagined, but in it, becoming, something better than myself.

i know i shouldn’t be putting myself through this, i know this torture won’t ever have and end game, but how can i help it if her existence embodies what i was, what i am, and now the very part of me that made me feel worth something isn’t there anymore.

 

i woke up the next day at dawn, there was something strange about the sky, when the sun scrambled from its ashes, i didn’t remember much of last night, a mixture of smells invaded my space within seconds of my consciousness, charred wood, soaked skin and burnt cigarets, the room lay torn around me, somehow i couldn’t figure out which tornado took place here.

 

i looked for her in the ruins of this storm, and with every corner turned, a mangled semblance of our lives together, scattered across this apartment in the shape of an endless summer.

 

i never question this empty vacuum of space when the sun is awakened and beaming, but dawn seems to have an affect on every strung out mind within my brain, its times like these that i notice how i live like I’m waiting for something to save me. everything i own, everything i am, nothing but a religious residue, from a life left behind. 

i live in limbo, stuck in a labyrinth, running in circles in search of her. with my nights being spent in distraction, and my mornings dedicated to figuring out what exactly happened, this feeling will get deeper, it will sink farther than any soul i once had, the time seems longer and the days all look the same, colored in the darkest shade of grey, do i dare dream of my own fictitious ending? do i dare stumble upon thoughts forever hidden?

 

i could have been safe without her. her sharp knives scraping my life away, clumsily shaping my realities into something unrecognisable. shredded and dissolved, a life together apart was always inevitable. 

I’m still waiting for her to put the knife down, to let me go, so i can remember how to smile again, the kind of smile that doesn’t involve her. my mind is preserved inside her world, ageing strangely as if she wants me to live forever, to never understand why i can’t. in her world everything is possible, thats what makes her dangerous. the very reason my end seems, as anything and everything that involves her, inevitable. 

 

and maybe that is my reality a fictitious end.