I woke up that night, drenched in sweat and barely breathing.
The thing about nightmares was that you couldn't prepare for them. They sneaked up on you when you are at your most vulnerable, wrecking havoc and mayhem when you are totally defenceless.
My shirt clung my back and breasts suffocating me.
I lifted the sheets and sat down at the edge of the bed.
He came in with her book in her hand looking weary.
He placed it on the bed next to me.
I couldn't help but think about how he keeps drifting away from me. Which only makes me cling harder and lose all sense of self worth.
Funny, The only thing I'd ever dare to change about him is how good he was at escaping me.
"Its just a nightmare, don't worry. I just need to calm down and maybe take a shower." I said looking away.
He touched my fingers,
Traced my palm all the way up to my wrist.
He kissed the sensitive bulking vein, licking it, tantalizing the raging blood inside.
He brushed his lips where he knew my quick pulsing would tease them. And he bit, licking his lips intoxicated.
I just stared at him.
Watched as his lips curved in a crooked little smile, I knew he noticed the quickening rate of my inconsistent heartbeats and I felt my cheeks warm and blush at how innate my reactions to him were.
I couldn't look away.
He was such a rush.
I wanted him immediately.
He sucked going up my arm and I gasped.
A delicious shiver moved through me.
When it came to him, I was more than willing to be devoured.
And then he stopped, closed his eyes and stiffened.
"You're the greatest risk I've ever taken." He said, looking at me.
He pressed his lips, almost too gently, to mine and continued "And the greatest reward."
I didn't know how badly I craved those words from him, until the very second he showered my senses with them.
I couldn't tell him I loved him over and over again, although I knew it affected him when I did.
But he told me once, he never believed the overused "I love you"s, he justified his comment by saying he never believed them because they hadn't been backed up with truth, trust, or honesty.
The words meant little to him, which was why he refused to say them to me.
I tried not to let him see how badly it hurt me that he just wouldn't say them.
By now, I figured, it was an adjustment I'd have to make in order to be with him.
I exhaled, letting him inhale me in, in a thrill of that exquisite moment, where he was breathing nothing else but me, I couldn't help but love him, and with every inch of me, I told him just that.
Fearing that it might scare him, "I won't take it further than you can handle," I promised, looking at his glittering eyes in the muted lighting, knowing he knew exactly what my body meant, and how to read between my words. "But I will take you to the edge Babe, with me."
He groaned and I squirmed closing my eyes, feeling both aroused and exhausted. The day and night have finally taken their toll on me, leaving me empty, and with nothing left to hold on to.
He stared at me, and he knew.
He always knew.
"Take your clothes off, sweetheart." He ordered. "I'll start a bath for you," he said backing away.
I opened my eyes and caught him by the shirt. It was the same shirt he had worn that lovely day in january when we met.
I didn't know what to say; I just didn't want him to go.
He understood. He always understood. I couldn't let him go.
"I'm not going anywhere." He cupped my jaw in his hands and stared into my eyes, allowing me the intensity and laser focus that had snared me from the beginning.
Leaning down, he kissed the tip of my nose and both my cheeks, pulling me tighter into him.
The irony here, is that I thought I had the power to make him melt, but that embrace was making me think I've had the heart of a volcano in my grasp. Being wrapped in his arms was the most wonderful feeling in the world. His hands stroked the length of my spine, all the way down to my hips, gentling me.
He rested his chin atop the crown of my head and took the longest breath I have ever heard him take.
I tightened my arms around his waist, giving him comfort and acceptance, and gratefully accepting both in return.
My hand fisted in the cotton of his T-shirt.
"Angel," I breathed, lifting my head to press my cheek to his, I licked around his right ear, and whispered "you can't let me go, either."
That was when he kissed me.
His kisses were gifts.
He kissed with everything he had, with power, passion, hunger and love.
He held nothing back, giving me everything, exposing everything.
Bare, naked, and stripped.
I felt tension grip his hard frame, his hold loosened around my ribcage, his lungs heaving. He was moaning, and barely breathing, he grabbed a fistful of my hair tilting my head at the perfect angle. Waiting. "Your whiskey kisses are fucking mine." He said as he breathed against my parted lips.
The kiss ended, and I swear it seemed time had laid still in honor of us.
I was shaken. I couldn't stand. Breathing was a foreign concept.
Left emotionally raw and open, by the most intense moment of my life, I cried.
Dropping to his knees, and putting back on the edge of the bed where I was, his face was directly in front of mine, I reached out to stroke his jaw and neck, I could tell he was as spent as I was. "I need you. I need us to stop fighting." I said.
"Angel, we don't fight, we just need to learn to stop scaring the hell out of each other." He said.
"If I needed you more, I couldn't function." I murmured looking away.
He lifted my hands to his lips, kissed my fingertips and said; "Sweetheart, I hope you never grasp the intensity with which I thirst for you. And besides, so what if we fight? I'd rather spend the rest of my life arguing with you, than laughing with anyone else."
I can't describe the sound that escaped me then, it wasn't a gasp, or a laugh, or a sob, it was a mixture of all three.
I loved him more in that moment,than I ever would have thought possible.
He turned around, staring at the half eaten bar of chocolate on my night stand, looking at the lit candles all around the room, his eyes shined hotly and I laughed. "No."
Standing back up, he stared at me, his eyebrows arching, eyes intense, he wrapped his left hand around my throat, fisting my hair with the other.
"Sweetheart, You do not get to deny me your body. I am going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body, because it'll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Now repeat that."
Laughing, I repeated "you say ..." I gasped as his mouth wrapped around the tip of one of my breasts through the ribbed cotton of my shirt. "Oh, God."
He nipped me with his teeth. "Finish."
My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. "You say when. You say how."
Smiling he said "there are things you can bargain with, darling one. But your body and soul aren't negotiable."
My spine arched and he placed his free hand on the small of my back coaxing my flesh into flames with the circles he expertly drew with his fingertips. My hands clutched his thick mane of hair, an instinctive response to his relentless, delicious mouth on me.
He put me through hell. On purpose. Made me suffer. There was no end in sight. And I loved it.
For better of for worse he was my soul mate. The other half of me. In many ways, he was my reflection. My missing puzzle piece.
"I love you. Still not the right word, but I know you want to hear it." He said.
"I need to hear it." I agreed softly.
"Okay. But as long as you understand the difference." He said, "People get over love. They can live without it, they can move on. Its overused and degraded. Its a trend. Love can be lost and found again. But that won't happen for me. It can't. The truth is, I won't survive you. I wouldn't even want to."
My breath caught at the look he gave glancing back at me.
"I'm obsessed with you. Addicted to you. You're everything I ever wanted or needed, everything I've ever dreamed of. You're everything. I live and breathe you. For you. I never knew how good it felt, not to breathe until you. I never knew my heartbeats were capable of reaching 102 without bursting. I would have hunted you down long ago had I known you existed, you wasted yourself on the wrong people, but i'll be damned if I let them have the best of you, let alone the last of you. Whether you know it or not, you're mine and you've always been, mine."
The world left me with the scraps of what was left of me, and now, for the first time ever, I was completed.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, not parting our lips for even a second, he swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bathroom, with him.
There’s a fire inside of her.
She is beautiful,
Soft and hard, and soft again.
You taught her how to feel
She taught you how to love.
You’ll always be there with her,
Standing in the shadows to keep her safe,
Laughing with her in the light,
Watching through her eyes,
All those who dare to get close.
You’ll always be there and,
She will always be fine.
Im not blinded to realities,
I wholeheartedly agree.
Yet around me
She still couldn’t breathe.
To the point of suffocation.
We laughed at our untamed bodies.
I’ll always be her drug.
There’s no escaping that.
There’s no escaping me.
I tried you know,
To rid myself of her.
So did she.
It never got any easier;
We just got better at trying.
We felt the novelty of our beginning
Even at our very end.
I was addicted,
So I became the demon in our fairytale.
Her kisses were my whiskey
Her touch was my loaded gun.
I could rid myself of all my pieces,
And yet she remained the one thing
I could never budge.
There’s a first for everything.
And she went through the lists,
My last first.
I wanted to collapse into her
And rest a while.
Curl upon her lap
As she kissed my hair.
Just for the day,
I wanted us back.
Life has been playing tricks on me lately
Serving me too much of its realities.
I decided not to take it seriously.
So tonight, I let go.
I let her touch me again.
For a minute
We couldn’t breathe.
I never knew how good it felt
Not to breathe.
We couldn’t tame it,
That animalistic hunger.
I sat farther away teasing her.
A slow curl of smoke parted her lips,
She smiled at my audacity.
I craved her.
We were lying in tangled sheets,
Hazy with spent lusts,
Underneath my shirt
She traced my navel with her finger,
“You’ll love me forever.” She whispered.
“Forever and a day.” I softly admitted.
Through layers upon layers of clothes,
She set fire to my insides
Fucking my soul.
“I’ll consume you,” she whispered
Brushing her lips against my neck,
The open door behind her let in a breeze as she walked out
It washed through our senses waking us up,
Is that I’ll let you” I trembled in reply.
And my heart rate started going back to normal,
The muscles on my face didn’t stretch half as much
And the aftermath of her,
Began to lull me.
I felt dirty.
I felt soiled.
I felt numb.
I felt broken.
She’d left holes where she brushed,
Her tongue burned where it licked.
I could still smell her every which way I turned.
She was on my hair,
On my bed,
And on my pillows.
Stripping out of every fragment of fabric I had on
I couldn’t wait to get in the shower.
As if scrubbing off the remainders of her
Would somehow make me feel,
I had long ago caged myself,
In miles of carted hell,
To never again,
Now, she has you, and you have her.
All I have left are my words.
You can have her.
You can have it.
You can have me.
For I am only half of myself without her.
Kindly take her
And take my words with you
Take all you can carry.
Leave me with nothing,
I beg you.
I won’t fight you.
Just promise me,
You’ll keep her safe.
For I am the poet
And she is my poetry.
She is my anchor in the turbulent sea.
She is my air that gives me breath.
I can vow to anything till kingdom come,
But she wasn’t ever mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything she wanted.
And then she became something I hated.
We were a single thought in two minds
Our edges would make a sculpture weep in jealousy.
We are entwined for all life and death.
So you keep her safe,
Until the day I come next.
She sighed as the beautiful girl’s heart broke, knowing, it ached to rescue the man she didn’t know she had already saved.
She saw that she was his harbour.
For his safe haven, was in the smell of her embrace.
With every word, the silk grew tighter.
Until finally, it grew so tight, she couldn’t breathe.
Not to breathe.
We, are for the dark.
You gave me all the words.
Yes, you gave me my last attempt at alive.
Although, this time i’ll do it different.
Yes, this time I’ll do it right.
Because this time,
I have you.
“I am whatever is meant by all this chaos rioting through you.” She said.
Looking down at both the warrior and the girl who brought him to his knees, even the sky gave them a silent applause.
As she gifted them calmness, on the night she knew they wouldn’t soon forget, she then called for the stars asking them to watch over the girl and her warrior, for they are magic she said.
Taking a stroll across mortal lands, she went to deliver more of her gifts.
You paint me a story with words,
For I shall ravish you nonetheless,
And then I found a way
Without the limitations
In the distance she heard a cry, it masked its own contradicting whisper.
She ran to where the matches lay.
Picking them up, she came.
With her match, she lit me up like a cigarette, allowing me to burden her with my toxic smoke.
Like a superhero, she comes right when she’s needed, fixing everything, never allowing herself to be fixed in return.
She bore my scars like she knew where they came from.
She was my bullet in a gun, she was my aim when I had non, the ground was shaky underneath, but she held it still.
I’m thinking, getting her back was one of my greatest wins.
We lay entwined, listening to the dawn’s chorus.
When she’s with me, this reality is surreal.
She stroked my fingers and smiled.
The one that told me everything her words couldn’t.
I could wait forever in her smile.
“Look up.” She whispered.
I looked up.
Her soul had written us in the stars. It happened long before this old world was born. We happened long before this old world ruined us.
And I couldn’t breathe.
She turned and said, “Are you alright?”
I must be fine, because my heart’s still beating.
I had no unspoken words to covert or hide from her anymore, I had no mask, no sad eyes smile she didn’t seem to see.
Us being here was never an accident, she had all of me through and through.
“I spilled my secrets to the moon, and she gave me you.” I told her.
Breathless I smiled at the moon, but she too couldn’t speak in happiness.
Because, looking up that night, every star in the universe became my story.
She would wait a lifetime for me, at least that’s what the dark told me.
And I knew that as much as I knew, I had already waited through all of my lifetimes for her.
Once upon a reality, my grip came loose and I let her slip away.
Once upon a dream we wandered hand in hand, slipping back into each other’s souls making peace with our mistakes.
For a thousand hours, would she silently read our story to me. Using the sky for the words she couldn’t say.
Until her throat could fight no more and she would grow as silent as the night.
The rumble of her voice, would coax me to sleep.
To dream again, finding a peace I seek in me, in dreams I had, full of thoughts of her.
So I slept, teasing her with silent breaths.
I slept; reminding her our best was yet to come.
She had no choice but to wait, awake.
I know I said it once before but it bears repeating, I think getting her back was one of my life’s greatest wins.
maybe i should mention
that i went to our place yesterday
i sat on our burgundy rug
i stared at a place set for two
and i had a picnic.
somehow it seemed a little less strange with you there.
somehow people stared less at the odd couple breaking bread in a parking lot.
i heard your voice
felt the touch of your breath on my forehead
you were telling me i live in my head too much
that i now believe illusions to be real
won’t you stop saying that please?
how can it be
that the familiar texture, warmth, smell, or feel
of your breath near my skin
be a form of illusion my mind created?
pretending to smile like you did.
i couldn’t have imagined that, could i?
i saw you muster lies told to exquisite pain
although, this time i think i noticed how your eyes swayed
you know, Like they do when you’re keeping a secret?
Why would you do that?
and then for a second
i needed to look away.
because this time,
i saw it.
i saw how you denied me those extra moments of grief
i saw myself believe you were getting better
i saw hope creep its way into my fragile shell
please believe me when i say;
i thought i saved you, when i got on my knees and prayed for your life in exchange for mine
i thought i saved you, when i climbed into that frail bed and held you in my arms
i thought i saved you, when i named your body home and tide its existence to mine
i thought i saved you, when i kissed you that last time
and felt you taking your last breath, from mine.
i thought if i kept kissing you
kept giving you the air in my lungs
and if i happened to find a way to breathe for you,
in a kiss so deep our bodies wouldn’t know who was breathing for who
that i would deceive time
that i would convince it to pass us by
to come another day
in another era
to take my life away
i, the undeserving fool of an immortal being
i, the unbelieving pessimist
i, the very darkest of souls.
the place even daemons fear to tread hides within my creases.
i am the beginning and end of every story.
as sweet as the ripest apple on a tree
as i kissed you, you were taken
as I kissed you, you were kidnapped
as i kissed you, you were stolen,
please forgive me
It seems, i lied when i said i’d save you
i couldn’t save you.
and now you’re somewhere I’m not
and I’m everywhere I cant be.
left with too much time and no will to live it
so i stay here in this parking lot
i eat the sandwiches we ate
i tell the jokes we told
i sing the songs we sang
and i wait,
i wait for that blue car
parked still 17 inches away
to move again.
only this time
sending me to wherever you are
eating the sandwiches we ate
telling the jokes we told
and singing the songs we sang
giving me a chance to save you
in another lifetime
like you saved me in mine.
and maybe the time i was wrongfully given
would go to a soul more deserving than i
because i can no longer be here
dying among the living
waiting for my chance
to get to kiss you one more lasting last time.
I’ll consume the sun and moon just to glow for you Just to be on my way to mending your broken shell, To making you whole again. Just listen to our story, Maybe you’ll see as clear as me, It began with a request met halfway, And just like that, I wrote you into my existence. Placed you where you fit, Along the folds of my body, Right at the palm of my hand, Grasping you to the infinite phenomenon that is us. Tide to my existence you’ll stay. For as long as I breathe, I exist. And as long as I exist, I am yours.
When you ate fruit in my bed you took off the stickers and placed them on my wall next to you. I never touched them. Someone picked them off from the paint today. I had just been in a car accident and screamed at them in a panic to stop. They said the stickers could peel the paint, off of the wall, that it looked tacky, and continued scraping. My head hurts from the impact; did I mention it was a hit and run? All too similar, you asked if I was all right and then you left in such a hurry, I never even had a chance to breathe.
I wrote once that getting to know you was like finding the pieces of myself I lost, what was it about you that was so familiar? It felt less like I was getting to know you and more like I was remembering who you are, maybe its just the migraine but I still see now how every smile, every hand movement and every whisper only brought me to the conclusion that I have known you before, that I have loved you before, in another time, a different place, maybe some other existence. I was grateful that you understood me, the way my mind worked. It was just too easy being with you, like it was walking down the street today, knowing that you’ll fill in the gaps when I couldn’t explain something, not even to myself, you spoke to my mind and my heart reacted, kind of like a collision of separate worlds, you were my best best friend, the soul mate people took time to write poetry about, and I had that, for a second I had that, for one second, I no longer had anything to wish for. You gave me everything I ever wanted, I hate that you did that, but you did. The apartment was filled with you and I couldn’t seem to think of a single thing I craved then, I seemingly had it all, except I wanted more, I don’t want everyone else to be you, I just want you in my life, I wanted to be loved by you long before I ever knew a you existed among these Adams and Eves. This might seem out of the blue, but you never know when a hit a run can get you, my body’s bruised and I cant help but think for a second it hit me and my head started to spin and my body temperature ran high and I felt like a million roller coasters ran through me, but for a second, right before you put each sticker on my wall, you were the family I never had, you were everything that I am, only now I get to write a love story the way it was meant to be written, a tragedy. As I lay on your side of what used to be my safety, I think, maybe, I don’t like hit and runs so much.
No one really knew how hard it was to hang onto the last threads of sanity, like you did when I first met you.
I don’t know how else to explain what happened to me, I was seduced by a nervous smile, and with an accidental brush of your hand I was hooked.
You seemed to understand, even my most unexplainable thoughts, like how I knew, that even you knew, I would forever wander within my own mind, lost deep at thought, never finding peace or serenity, even long after my last breath was drawn.
Getting to know you was like finding the parts of myself I lost in corners of this world, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain that they all missed. I held your heart in mine safe like its been there for quite a while, some other lifetime ago, I felt it part as it broke, I felt it crack like somehow it was shouting. Abandoning all pretences, crawling away from modesty, you hid beneath your wounds. It seemed the closer i got, and the more I touched, the clearer it became. We were two angels wrapped in concrete. With our wounds being breathed back to life, they felt raw, they felt new.
You were beautiful.
You tasted to me like the first seconds of love
Like, the last painstakingly long seconds of death.
I thought I’d fallen for your every gasp of breath.
I thought I was going insane.
And I saw them basking in the glowing embers of our fires.I loved everything you hated about yourself, everything you tried to hide and every sadness you’ve ever pushed yourself to survive.
And now, If I could put a thousand seas between you and my demons, I would.
I would, Sweep you off this surface and go dancing among the fireflies, swaying halfway through our lives finding ways to take what we always wanted in the form of things we always feared.
I wanted to be there and everywhere and absolutely nowhere.God, I should have known better than to have wholeheartedly loved a person as psychotic as I was.There we were, wilfully destroying the very fabric of each other’s souls. A cold war with both sides capable of completely obliterating each other. Mutually assured destruction we called it. Bearing teeth, talking up combat, two soldiers sharing a shield. Ice warriors refusing to shed their armours, unravelling in our own pride, having it end the fairytale of that one time we loved. What could ever be more dangerous, than an ice warrior with nothing left to lose?
I wanted to run away and yet I wanted to stay. I couldn’t decide which way to go because of you.
I love you, but I hate what you do to me.
I love you, but I hate how fragile I am when it comes to you.
I love you, but I hate how you hurt me.
I love you, but I can’t stand how you lied to me.
I love you, but I hate how you I still waited for you to earn me.
I love you, but I hate that you knew.